


Passionbearers

by OpusEye



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: 1920s, Angst, Arranged Marriage, F/M, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Gangsters, Infidelity, Marriage of Convenience, Organized Crime, Pre-Canon, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-12 23:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 30,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15351174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpusEye/pseuds/OpusEye
Summary: Before the war, when Tommy and the Shelby family were simple bookmakers that just dabbled in criminality, John was not the only one who married early. After impregnating a girl from the almighty gypsy Boswell clan, Tommy Shelby is forced to marry Tess. However, as she would soon find out, the person she first met was not the person who returned from the war.This is the story of Tess Shelby in the wake of the Peaky Blinder expansion as the wife of Thomas Shelby and the mother to his children.





	1. The Unexpected

Tess didn't even know how she ended up in this whole mess with Tommy Shelby.

She'd known him since they were both just little kids, running ‘round the caravans with scraped knees and scrawny limbs. She would’ve never even suspected that she caught his eye. He never treated her better or worse than anyone. She was just that Boswell girl. He paid her no mind.

But, around the time that she turned nineteen, Tommy had started looking at her longer with lingering, long glances. She'd caught him looking at her from across the field, his eye following her as she sat with the girls during the horse fairs by Appleby.

Tess was foolish then, much more foolish than she was now, and she found herself fancying over him. He was the kind of guy that girls fawned over. Brooding, dark and mysterious. He screamed the kind of danger that girls sought out like a flame, not realising that they'd get their wings burnt off so easily.

It was even more foolish to give him those flirtatious, cheeky little smiles considering that she would be marrying someone else. Her grandmother, the matriarch of Tess’ clan, the gypsy Boswell clan, got Tess arranged with Randy Young. Tess assumed it was for some kind of profit or territory but Gran wouldn't tell her. She never told her anything.

Tess met this Randy Young of hers. He was of the Young clan, those that travelled more through the North and were close kin to the Lees. She didn't mind him. He was a nice enough lad, not much to complain about. But, she didn't like him all that much.

Maybe it would have been better if she had married him. Maybe she would have avoided a lot of pain from life. But, she was a terrific fool. Such a fool, in fact, that she came running into the hands of the one that had ruined her so terribly. 

It happened on final night of the horse fair. Tess had been sitting by her vardo, drinking more than she probably should've. She had an argument with her mother about Randy that day. For the hundredth time, she had been trying to convince her mother that she was too young to marry. That Randy was not the one for her. But, yet again, it all ended with a whole lot of screaming and a broken lamp.

So, she grabbed the first bottle of liquor that she sneaked from her brothers and drank it. It tasted bitter on her tongue but soon enough, she started becoming numb to it. In fact, she started becoming numb to everything. 

It was in that state that Tommy approached her. 

He sat down next to her wordlessly and lit a cigarette, holding it between his teeth. Because Tommy was three years older than her, Tess thought of it as cool of him to smoke. She admired it. But, it was only later in life, after France, when he started reaching for cigarettes as if they were a lifeline, did she see it as an ugly habit. 

They didn't say anything for a while, her with her bottle of liquor, him with his cigarette. 

“ You're getting married to Randy Young”, he said matter-of-factly, his eyes trained on the distant fire.

Tess nodded, not really knowing what to say.

“ He doesn't deserve you”, he said quietly, looking down on the ground. 

Strangely enough, coming from anyone else, it would've sounded like a compliment. But, coming from Tommy, it sounded presumptuous. It sounded as if he was writing out what she was, who she would become.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“ Who deserves me, then?”, she asked him, cocking her head in a way that made her brown curls catch the light of the fire, painting them in an orange light.

Tommy looked at her for a moment, his eyes calm, his shoulder relaxed.

“ No one”, he said softly, “ No one can come even close”.

For Tess, the good, old, plain Tess, who was never hailed the beauty that her mother was, those words moved mountains. It was so sad that those words were enough for her to lose it all, to give so much. 

Because when Tommy tipped his head lower and slowly kissed her, she let him do so, opening her mouth for him to enter. He raised her onto his lap and surrounded her with him everywhere, not a second of consideration of what this would lead to.

Tess didn't stop him. She kissed him back just as passionately, her tongue mingling with his. Tess had kissed boys before, for the curiosity of it. She kissed them in the stables and behind walls and hays stacks. But, Tommy didn't kiss like none of those boys. He kissed as if he was desperate. He kissed as if he was stealing her breath away, as if he wanted her more than anything else.

He only stopped when they ran out of breath, both panting a little when they leaned their foreheads against each other.

“ Do you want me to stop?”, he asked Tess.

And she knew, she knew she should've said yes. She could've blamed it on the liquor all she wanted, but at the end of the day, it was all her. It was all her foolishness and attraction to Tommy, the mysterious, brooding guy who she's known since she was a baby but never understood.

She should've said yes.

“ No”, she replied with instead, “ Don't stop”.

And he didn't. 

He took her into the vardo and took what Randy would've considered to be his at the time. Thinking back to it, she should've been wary of him when he was not afraid to fuck her with her brothers within visible sight. That was a death wish and Tommy knew it better than anyone.

But, Tess didn't care because Tommy was soft with her, he caressed her and kissed her and she felt loved for just a minute. It was all a quick affair but it was one imprinted in Tess’ mind as if it was burned into her.

She wished it wasn't.

Afterwards, when it was done, Tommy lay with her in the vardo and smoked another cigarette. He brought her close to him and held her, tracing patterns into her skin. Then, he lowered his lips to her hair and whispered ever so softly.

“ I hope you know that this won't mean anything”, he whispered, “ You're still going to marry Randy”.

Tess lowered her head and looked away, a cold feeling washing over her.

“ I know”, she said, even though she didn't know, at least, she  _ didn't  _ want to know, “ I know. It's alright, really. It's fine”.

With those words, she quickly got dressed and left the vardo, her feet carrying her off closer to the forest. She didn't know where she was going, what time it was. She just she needed to get away because of the growing lump inside her throat.

Then, when she reached an old tree stump, she collapsed onto it, crying her eyes out, screaming and tearing at her hair.

Because she should've known better than to go for guys like Tommy Shelby. Because it was her sister, Laura, that was more the type to do these things but not Tess. She should've known better.

But she didn't. She didn't know better.

And now she'd have to pay for it.


	2. The Pregnancy

 

Her Aunt Maura, the one who delivered all the babies in the clan, realised it before Tess did.

Tess was walking through their encampment by the seaside of Wales when Aunt Maura grabbed her by the elbow and dragged her outside of the people’s eyes. They stopped outside the haystacks, a usually deserted place, and wind blowed in their faces from the sea. But, it was not the sea breeze that gave her the goosebumps, it was her aunt’s fiery glare.

“ Who is the father?”, she hissed at Tess, gripping her elbow, “ For the love of God, tell me it's Randy Young”.

Tess felt shock roll through her but she didn't let it show. She clenched her jaw and fists, bringing them to her sides.

It had been three months since the horse fair at Appleby and she had been on a crusade to eradicate all thought of Tommy Shelby from her mind. But, even still, when the slightest memory of that night came up into her mind, she felt a twinge of pain in her heart, even if she didn't acknowledge.

“ I don't know what you're talking about”, she replied tightly.

Her Aunt laughed at her expression, her eyes still as piercing as they were before.

“ You've missed a few months, am I right? Keep throwing up in the morning. You are not stupid, Tess, you know the signs”, her Aunt said as she regarded her, tightening her fingers on her, “ Now what I need to know is who is the father, Tess?”.

Tess didn't reply.

She knew she couldn't say Randy. That was not true. Her and Randy weren't even allowed to be in the same space without company. On top of that, she wouldn't want him touching her unless it was absolutely necessary.

But, she knew if she said that it was Tommy, her engagement would be broken and there would be a hunt for his blood by all six of her brothers. She knew that if they found him, they'd murder him. But, it was all her fault, not his.

“ Tess”, her Aunt pressed, “ Tell me it's Randy. Tell me you didn't sleep with someone else. Because if you did, there would be a mighty war coming”.

Tess closed her eyes but didn't say anything.

At that point, her Aunt rushed off to the encampment cursing in Romani, looking like a whirlwind of fury. When she left, Tess began to cry, falling on her back and clutching her face. She didn't want to cry. She wanted to stay strong and keep it all bottled but it all came pouring down on her. She couldn't hold it in.

Her aunt and mother found her crying on the floor, clutching her knees, and almost immediately, her mother dropped next to her and hugged her tightly.

“ My sweet summer child”, she whispered in Romani and then in English she said her, “ Tell us who it is. Tell us and I promise I won't tell your brothers”.

Tess considered it, looking at her mother pleadingly.

“ Promise me”, she breathed out.

“ I promise”, her mother answered.

Tess waited, swallowing, and taking a deep breath.

“ It's Thomas Shelby”, she finally said.

There was a moment of silence after she said that and her mother leaned back, closing her eyes and putting her hand them. Her aunt cursed in their tongue underneath her breath. Tess looked down, embarrassment pulsing through her. She sniffled, immediately wiping her tears off after that.

“ Maura”, her mother said to her aunt, “Tell Zachary that Laura is going to marry Randy Young. As for Tess, tell him to fetch the Shelbys. Looks like Tess is going to get married after all”.

Tess remembered when she was just a little girl, her sister Dahlia had pushed her into an ice cold lake. Not being able to swim, Tess nearly drowned in the water. She still clearly remembered that moment, the moment she saw the sun from beneath the water and yet she couldn't reach. Water was filling up her lungs and she was falling into darkness.

It felt exactly like that when her mother said that and her aunt rushed away in an instant to follow her orders. She had barely even comprehended she would be having a child and now, they were giving her away into a marriage?

If Tommy would even be alive by the time of marriage. Zachary, her eldest brother, was cruel and ruthless. He wouldn't hesitate to gut Tommy for what he had done to Tess. She would have his blood on her hands.

She looked at her mother, rage filling her to the brim.

“ You promised! You promised you wouldn't tell them!”, Tess screamed in her mother’s face, 

“They're going to kill him! You know they're going to kill him!”.

Her mother levelled her with a stare and for the hundredth time, Tess was appalled by how much more beautiful her mother was than her. She was beautiful in the way you would expect somebody from a legend to be be beautiful. She had that refined face and figure as if she was sculpted by a sculptor. Hair black like midnight, eyes bright like embers. When her father was alive, he used to tell Tess that he didn't have to think of writing poems about her mother. The poems wrote themselves.

But, it was her sisters and brothers who inherited all that beauty. Her mother always said  Tess had her mother’s wits and sense and her father’s features. Indeed, Tess looked the most like their father out of the ten of them. She had his stubborn jaw, his brown wild locks and the same pale, freckled face. At the twilight of his years, when he had turned to drinking and cheating on her mother, Tess could barely look at herself without feeling hatred by thinking of him. 

“ Nobody is killing nobody, Tess. They will not kill him. Tommy is a smooth talker. He smooth talked you into sleeping with him then he can smooth talk his way out of your brother’s murder plot, don't you worry about that”, her mother hissed, brushing it off, “What I worry about is you and your child. Tommy Shelby will carry responsibility for he had planted in you, dead or alive”.

And just like her mother said, responsible he was. Because, just a few days later, it was none other than the Shelby family that she upon the hill over their encampment. 


	3. The Threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To get the full feeling of the chapter listed to All Guns No Balls by Mearl (soundtrack from PB)

 

Thomas Shelby didn't expect to be tackled to the ground by three very angry blokes on his way from the Garrison, much less blokes he knew. 

He was having a peaceful day, at least as it could be by Shelby standards. Arthur drank himself into a stupor, Ada was God knows where and God knows what John was doing. Polly, fed up from them skirting around, called for them all to have a proper family dinner. 

Tommy had been on his way to said family dinner when three of the Boswell brothers tackled him to the ground and started beating him. His first reaction was surprise. The Shelbys and Boswells were relatively close and they even shared kin on his father’s side. So, to have them beat him up was not something that he'd exactly expected. 

He was almost ready to float into unconsciousness when they stopped. The eldest, Zachary, grabbed him by the collar and brought him to his feet, his eyes blazing with anger.

“ You had the bloody nerve to fuck our sister right underneath our noses, didn't you?”, Zachary said, planting in another punch, causing Tommy to heave, “ The bloody fucking nerve to get her fucking pregnant, you bloody bastard!”.

With his blood in his eyes and pain all over his body, Tommy didn't even seem to understand what was being said. He just felt as if his whole body was just one big bloody fucking bruise. 

“ What”, Tommy coughed, bloody oozing out of his mouth, “ the fuck are you even”, another cough, “ talking about?”.

Emory, Zachary’s younger brother by two years, stepped out and looked Tommy in the eyes. He spat on his shirt and glared at him, just as furious as his brother.

“ Tess is pregnant with  _ your  _ child, you fucking bastard”, Emory bit out, “ Which is the only reason we didn't kill you. Because you are going to fucking marry her”.

As he said that, Zachary let him go, causing him to fall to the ground. Thomas felt the whole world spinning but he did hear the words that were being said clearly, clearer than ever.

“ If you don't come and get Tess in a week, Shelby, it will be war. We will hunt you down and slaughter your entire family”, said the youngest brother, Terrance, a scary glint in his eye,“ We will not hesitate”.

With those words, they left, scurrying away like rats in the night. Tommy stayed there though, unable to move. It was only when Arthur found him did he get home, where Polly tended for him through the night and the next day, cursing at him for getting into a fight. 

However, when he retold her the whole situation, it made her cursing seem benevolent. She was a firestorm of fury, mostly directed at him.

“ Was fucking the girl truly such a priority to you that you did not think, even for a second, that she is a bloody Boswell, Thomas?!”, she screamed, her voice echoing through the house, “ Do you understand the mess you've got us all in? You either marry her or we all die! Do you hear me? You've sentenced us to death with your cock, Tommy!”.

As Polly screamed at him for thinking with his cock and not his mind, Tommy thought back to the Boswell girl. He thought about Tess.

Tess was always called the unremarkable one by his brothers and his friends. Sure, she was pretty in her own right, but she bleaked in the background with her vivacious sisters. For most of his formal years, Tommy tended to agree. She was not worth getting beat up for bedding a Boswell girl. If anything, that would be her sister Dahlia, Esmeralda or Laura.

But, the more Tommy grew, the less he was appreciative of them and the more he was appreciative of her. He didn't really know why. He sure got teased a lot about it by his brothers, who never learnt to understand this strange attraction of his. 

When he learnt that she was promised to Randy Young, he knew that fucking bastard didn't deserve Tess. The bloke was down right stupid and Tommy knew, that as soon as he married her, he'd keep her out of everyone’s sight, locking her up with a bunch of children. He knew that the moment Tess married him, she'd forever be lost to Tommy.

Maybe it was that knowledge that drove Tommy to seek Tess out. Because he kept thinking of her with Randy’s hands all over her, possessive, and he wanted to punch something. He wanted to be able to hold her, to taste her, before she would leave his grasp forever.

Obviously, now though, it's would be the exact opposite. Now, Tess would have to  stay with him forever. Through thick and thin, through happiness and strife.

“ I'll marry her”, Tommy clipped out when Polly was in the middle of her tirade.

She stopped, her eyes widening, staring at him incredulously. Obviously, she hadn't expected him to take responsibility. Tommy was the last person she'd ever think would marry.

“ What did you say?”, she breathed out.

“ I'll marry her”, he said, no hesitance in his voice.

Polly looked at him in exasperation, an ironic smile on her lips.

Meanwhile, Tommy thought of Tess as his wife, as the mother of his children. She's always had a gentle nature but a strength from within. She didn't stand for bullshit and never flinched away from violence. He knew she'd make a good wife, a loyal wife. 

On top of that, having the Boswells as in-laws couldn't be better for their line of business.

“ You will be the end of me, Tommy”, sighed Polly as she walked out, shutting the door behind her.


	4. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tess takes no shit from Tommy

Despite the fact that they've already slept with each other, her family wouldn't let Tess see Tommy. 

From the moment they arrived, up until the next morning, they had her preparing for a wedding. They washed her, bathed her, rubbed her with oils and extracts and got her a dress that her mother wore to her own wedding. But, when she asked to see the groom himself, all the clan ladies immediately looked at her as if it wasn't a question to begin with.

They made a makeshift aisle and a cleared out a clearing for the wedding, doing the best they could to make it look presentable. As soon as they got Tess into the dress and veil, they pushed her down the aisle, where she walked to see Tommy.

When she saw him, she had to suppress a gasp. He was covered in bruises and cuts and just generally looked like he was in bad shape. By the looks of it, he got quite the beating from her brothers. 

Soon enough, the ceremony began. They recited their vows and mingled their blood, but to Tess it all seemed like she was in a dream. Her getting married to Tommy Shelby. It must've been a part of some mad dream. 

After it was all over with, it was as if the strife between the Shelbys and the Boswells never happened. Her brothers jumped at the Shelby brothers, clapping them on their back, hollering. Everybody cheered and laughed, music played on the fiddle and the food and drinks were passed across the long table. 

Tess watched it all happen as if from a distance, not really feeling the spirit of celebration of happiness. She and Tommy danced together and shared a few laughs but eventually, even with a glass of liquor that her sister passed to her, she felt empty.

So, she slowly began making her way towards the cliffs by the sea, lantern in hand, looking over the terrifying waves crashing into the rocks. Her heart was overjoyed to see the sea, to be able to grasp its’ terrifying power, feel its’ breeze blowing over her skin.

“ You aren't going to jump, are you?”, Tommy asked her from behind, startling her, making her nearly drop the lantern.

He held her, steadying her, his eyes piercing into hers. She cleared her throat, stepping away a bit, and sitting down to look into the sea.

“ No, I wasn't going to jump”, Tess replied quietly, feeling her crippling shyness take over her again.

He sat down beside her and the lantern out his face alit, his black like ink locks flying in all directions. Tess’ heart squeezed a bit.

“ We’re married now”, he said softly, his eyes somewhere in the distant sea, “ So, you can't hide things from me. If there is anything that you must tell me, tell me now”.

Her heart skipped a beat.

“ Like what?”, she asked him.

He looked at her, his eyes a bleak yellow color from the light of the lantern. 

“ Is the child you carry really mine?”, he asked her, looking at her intently.

Tess wanted to slap him. 

She felt embarrassment like a hot, coursing thing through her veins. She felt angry too, at Tommy, for being so harsh, and at herself, for being too slow to notice it. 

“ Do you think I would've done this to you were the child not yours?”, she spat at him, her eyes blazing with anger, the tide crashing into the rock behind her, “ If it were my bidding, you wouldn't have to be forced into this marriage. I was betrayed by my mother when I trusted her in confidence”.

Tommy didn't say anything for a while and Tess felt as if, all of the sudden, he was a stranger. Looks shared  and a few games they played as children could only go so far as to judge a person’s character. Up close, things got more real, they got more ugly.

“ Do not look at me like that”, Tommy told her, his face still the same mask of calmness, “ I needed to know the truth. I get beat up down some shady alley by your brothers for impregnating you when I don't even know who you've been with before or after me. So don't look at me like that”.

Tess tried to keep the same calm demeanor that Tommy always seemed to maintain.

Though, the truth was the fact that she did not mask her feelings, she hid them. As a little kid, she would hide in the small, dark corners of their caravan from the rest of the world, playing little games by herself. It was only later that she crawled out a bit out of her little shell, but the innate inability in struggling to express her feelings was always there. Tommy was similar in that way but his silence and mask was never a part of him, it was deliberately put in to distance him from the people around him, from all the terrible things going on around him.

“I already gave my vows to you, Tommy, but since you have so little faith in me, let me give them to you again”, Tess began, looking down on the rocks beneath her to escape his piercing gaze, “ I will never lie to you, I will be honest and just. I will be loyal to you, I will respect you. But, do not think that I expect any less from you”.

“ I promise that you will have my respect and my protection. No one will dare harm you or our child”, he said after a few beats and Tess noticed the deliberate evasion of the other two promises she made to him.

Smiling sadly, she stood up and walked away from him, feeling the wind take her hair in all directions. She wanted to cry but she forced herself to bite down on the bitterness, on the pain. 

So what if Tommy was the way he was? Tess would have her child, she didn't need him. She always needed peace and solitude anyway. As long as he protected her, she would be fine.

What did she expect of him anyway?

He was not the kind to lay down their loyalty at a  bat of lashes. Tommy was a complicated man. It would not be easy to get into his good graces, much less into his heart.

So, Tess left it at that. 

She would be a survivor about this. She would make the best out of the life she'd been given, the cards that the life handed to her. Tess wouldn't expect love, nor loyalty. She'd build a life outside of those needs. She'd build a life outside of Tommy.

With those thoughts, she plunged back into the celebrations, this time with a lighter head but a heavier heart. She drank a little to drive her sorrows away and danced in high spirit with her friends and family, laughing a little every so now and then. 

Tommy watched her from the sidelines, a whiskey in his hand, and Tess pretended she didn't see him. There was a look in his eye, the same look that he had when he took her in her vardo three months ago. The thinly veiled look of longing and lust.

She tried to ignore it the best she could. She had conversations with her kin, receiving an endless stream of congratulations. She walked and talked and danced and laughed but everywhere she went, she felt his eyes like a hot print on her back.

Eventually, worn out to the bone from the celebrations, mostly due to the new life growing within her, she started moving towards where the caravan was. There was no one there as she moved like a ghost from vardo to vardo, the moonlight washing everything in silver.

Suddenly, she was pressed against a wall, a familiar smell invading her senses. Tommy kissed her, picked her up and stepped  in between her legs. His kissing made her forget what was going on, what she was about to do. She could only feel the cool night air, his mouth that tasted like cigarettes and old whiskey and his hot hands all over her body.

When his hand began crawling up her thigh, she broke away from him, looking him in the eye.

“ What are you doing, Tommy?”, Tess asked him, so afraid to have her heart in pieces again, hoping it would show in her eyes.

Tommy was a mess too, his hair ruffled, mouth red and eyes wanting. He looked like he was on some sort of strange drug, his eyes were dark, his form a little shaky.

“ I want you”, he breathed out, moving a bit closer, his mouth breathing air into hers.

She trembled ever so slightly in his arms, like a deer quivering in front of the hunter. She was so afraid that if she let him in again, he’d ruin what she’d built over time in one motion. As, if sensing that, he leaned in, his lips ghosting over hers.

“Trust me”, he said, his eyes boring into hers, his lips diving in for another kiss.

Tess wanted to indulge, she wanted it with her whole body. She wanted to feel that burning desire again, like gasoline about to be set on fire. But, Tess was not a slave of her own body. She always had a steady and sound mind. Just because Tommy broke through it once doesn’t mean he could do it again. Married or not.

“Don’t”, she said as she stepped away, her eyes levelling his, “Don’t insult me in the day of light and come seeking me out in the night. I won’t stand for it”.

He looked at her, shocked, for several minutes, the darkness slowly receding from his eyes. Then, without another word, he walked away from her, into the deep, dark night.

Tess would wonder if she’d made a mistake that night by rejecting him. She wondered if the physical contact that he sought in her, he would find in other women. And immediately, regretted being so stubborn with him for that exact reason. 

But, at the end of the day, she knew that doing anything else would be another betrayal of her character.

So, she went back to the vardo, opening the roof and stared out into the great, blue sky, wondering if she really deserved the fate that she was served.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vardo - traditional horse-drawn wagon used by British Romani people as their home


	5. The Wife

Adjusting to the life in Birmingham was hard.

She wasn’t used to living in a standing house, much less a bustling city. Everything was so gray and muddy, no sight of greenery or the vast blue sky Tess was used to seeing. 

Tommy wasn’t around much either. Since leaving her to her own devices in their new home, he has been out for business for most of the day, only returning in the small hours of the night, retreating in his own room. It was their reality as a married couple, living in separate rooms. Tess was not consulted on the decision. She figured that Tommy did this since her rejection to sleep with him on their wedding night.

Overall, he showed no signs of real emotion. He walked around a dejected ghost, his face not revealing a shred of what he felt. So, she found no companion in him. 

Instead, it was none other than Polly who she found to be her true companion. Albeit, one resting a little uneasy around her. It all started with her inviting Tess to look after Finn and Ada while she was out doing business. Tess didn't really mind since she didn't have much going on anyway and quite enjoyed the company of the younger Shelby children. 

But, slowly, Polly and Tess began having more conversations over tea. Even with her opening up a little, Tess always felt Polly’s eye on her. It was obvious that the woman definition of family didn't stretch beyond family by blood. But, even still, she treated Tess with courtesy and her time.

It was her, too, who planted the seed of nursing into Tess’ head.

“ I talked to Madame Boswell during the wedding”, Polly mentioned one day, drinking her whiskey slowly, “ She spoke highly of your healing ability. Said you were their nurse”.

Tess nodded, taking a sip of the herbal tea that Polly had been pushing on her to help with the pregnancy. She was five months along now, facing sores and tiredness, as if someone ground up her bones in a shredder.

“ Why don't you sign up for training down at Mollymook? You can become a nurse after having the little one”, she said as she lit a cigarette between her lips, taking a drag, and then staring at Tess as smoke dissipated around her, “ Not like you're doing much here anyway. Tommy’s about to hire a maid full time to help out with Finn”.

Tess looked down on her shoes, twirling a brown lock in between her fingers. She looked at Polly, the picture of confident, working woman. She demanded respect with her very look. She was no glass flower, kept at home out of sight and out of mind.

“ I want to do honest work”, Tess said sternly, “ I want to but Tommy… I don't even know what's on his mind”.

“ You should give no fuck about what Tommy thinks about your job”, Polly hissed, taking another jittery drag, “ You are carrying his child and staying at home while he is doing God knows what. He has no right to judge you for doing God’s honest work”.

Tess thought about for a minute and she felt herself fiercely agreeing. Since when did she become part of Thomas Shelby’s furniture? She had a right to pursue what she wanted, for God’s sake. If he wanted to something to say about it, she'd push him until he gave in. Going without him knowing was not an option though. She knew that he'd go ballistic.

So, when Tommy returned home that night, she waited for him in the living room, her hands folded in front of her, trying not to look nervous. Though, truly, she was more nervous than she was at the wedding.

All the confidence that Polly gave her seemed to wash down the drain. As soon as it hit midnight, she seemed to realise that talking to Tommy meant  _ talking to Tommy.  _ Her ever-disappearing gangster husband who laughs only when he is around anyone,  _ anyone  _ but Tess.

It was not looking great.

When Thomas walked in, he looked at her in surprise, his dark brows raising to his forehead, his lips forming a question. 

“ Why are you up this late?”, he asked her, taking off his coat and hanging it on the hook.

Tess cleared her throat.

“ I-I was waiting for you, actually. We need to talk”, she said, trying not to coax him into sitting down with her by patting the armchair opposite to her.

Tommy nodded, walking up to her and sitting down on the armchair, facing her. It was startling to see him face to face. He looked tired and ragged, bags prominent under his eyes and his skin looking thin and worn down.

“ What is it that you want to talk about?”, he asked, pouring himself a whiskey and immediately taking a swig of it.

Tess furrowed her brows, not liking his fast consumption whatsoever. No doubt he already drank liberally during the day. Continuing to drink wouldn't do much good to his clear conscience.

“ I am sitting here cooped up all day, Thomas”, Tess began, hoping to give him an idea of what life is like for her, “ I have no one but Martha and Polly, both of whom can't provide me with their company all the time. I am tired of being alone. I need to do something. I need to get out there”.

Tommy shook his head, extinguishing all hope in Tess.

“ Not a chance”, he replied solemnly, his voice low and deep, “ It's too dangerous. I have many enemies, your family had many enemies. No doubt that they would be salivating over the chance to get my pregnant wife in their dirty little paws”.

She looked at him and saw something, something real and raw, something unlike the usual Tommy that she saw. He looked so vulnerable right then and there, with his lowered eyelids and murky eyes. There was a paranoia there, a fear.

For some reason, it made Tess’ heart beat just a little faster, knowing that he feared for her. That he cared. 

“ I want to train to become a nurse”, she said finally, not wanting to beat around the bush no more, “ Martha said I could train at Mollymook. While the baby is not here, I want to take the training”.

Tommy sighed and looked at her for a long time. Her fierce, dark eyes. Her straight posture and stubborn jaw. To him, she looked like the old paintings of noble ladies. Fierce, but in such a quiet, steady way that it was almost invisible.

To everyone but Tommy of course.

“ It's dangerous”, he said as he sipped on the whiskey, “ You know that”.

“ Not if you send one of your men with me everytime I get on and off training”, she replied quickly, knowing she was chipping on his walls.

“ Two of my men”, he countered, pointing a finger at her with a glass in hand.

Tess looked at him as if challenging him with her eyes and then backed down as he looked at her unimpressed.

“ Alright. Two”, she agreed, folding her hands back down to her lap.

Then, as she turned to leave, he caught her wrist in his hand, making her turn to face him. He made her sit back down, his face unreadable.

“ Come sleep in the master tonight”, he said huskily, his eyes clear like a winter morning.

Tess loved winter mornings.

Damn him and his eyes.

“ You know I can't do that”, she whispered, as if afraid that her breath would blow away the tender connection that they had.

Tommy looked at her so sadly then that she nearly changed her mind. His sadness was not pitiful, it was bone-aching, as if it was a built-in melancholy.

“I just want to have you there. I won't try and fuck you, you know”, he said, smirking a little bit humorlessly.

Tess looked at him a little wide-eyed before nodding numbly, taking his hand in hers. He gripped it, taking her to the master, the room they were supposed to share together. 

The windows were wide open in the master and the chilly autumn air permeated through the room, causing goosebumps stand out on her skin. She took off her robe and lay down on the bed, burrowing herself beneath the blankets. Tommy lay down as well but did not touch her, his eyes fixated on the ceiling.

“ What do you want to call our child?”, he asked her all of the sudden, breaking the silence that stretched between them.

Tess looked at him, a little startled if anything.

She had been looking at names, actually. She asked Polly and Martha about possible names she could think of that had any connection to the family. But, she never thought Tommy of those things. At least, it looked like he didn't want to.

“ I was thinking Aidan for a boy. Mary for a girl”, she said meekly, not wanting to sound imposing.

“ No, Aidan was the name of that fucker that punched me last year. No Aidan”, he said, his brows furrowed, “ Charles. Charles is better. Charles like my uncle”.

Tess nodded, smiling a little at the simple conversation. It had been so long since they talked.

“ Charles it is then”, she agreed, smiling, “ Do you like Mary?”.

“ Mary. Mary was the name of my grandmother. My Lee grandmother”, he mused, a small smile appearing on his lips, “ She would fry her dough balls for us on Sundays to get us to go to Church. John would steal them off her back though, causing a fucking riot later for us all”.

Tess couldn't help but feel warmth in her heart, hearing Tommy talk about his childhood. There was so much of him that she didn't know, but sought to find out. But, he shared things about him so rarely that she couldn't pry it by force.

“Polly said it was the name of your mother’s mother”, Tess breathed out, hoping it wouldn't break whatever reverie they were in.

“ Aye. But, we shouldn't name the baby after my mother. It should only belong to her”, he said a little wistfully.

And Tess could understand why. Rosary Shelby was just one of these people that was both strong and kind, noble yet radiant. She had the blue eyes that nearly all the Shelby children, expect for Finn, seemed to inherit. She remembered Rosary’s black raven locks that she passed down Tommy and Ada. She was deep rooted in her gypsy roots, spirited, clever and free-minded.

Tess could only hope to be half a woman Rosary Shelby was.

“ Sleep”, she said softly, tapping his chest, making herself comfortable in the pillows. 

He brought her back to his chest, embracing her from behind, causing Tess to momentarily tense. Eventually, she relaxed and started falling into a deep slumber, her eyes shutting as Tommy’s breath blew over her exposed shoulder.

Tess slept soundly through the night and just as Tommy promised, truly, there was no fucking.

Tess smiled a little at that in the morning remember her mother telling her that if a man sought a woman out in the night with intentions apart from the obvious, it meant that the woman held power over that man. 

And nothing was more valuable than holding power over Tommy Shelby.


	6. The Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a small slice of life before a big round of angst

Life was beginning to gain a slower pace in the city.

Just as he promised, Tommy stationed two men with Tess while she went to the hospital and back. Martha, John’s wife, already worked in the hospital, so Tess actually looked forward to going there everyday. She got a few odd looks from the staff because of her last name but otherwise, there were no problems. 

Being a nurse was harder than she expected. While Tess was used to cleaning wounds of her kin, she was not used to doing excruciatingly awkward tasks including prostate exams. She still hasn’t gotten over the first time she had to perform it on a very sweaty middle aged man and then consequently, having to throw up in the bathroom, for once not because of her pregnancy. 

Martha helped her out a lot with the different tasks expected of a nurse, many of which were disgusting, hard or both. She even with helped Tess with her  pregnancy, seeing as Martha was pretty much a veteran now that she was pregnant with her third child with John, the first two being fraternal twins. Martha took her to a clinic with the midwives and got Tess tested for the baby, who the midwives all said was healthy and alright. 

So far, everything was going as it should have. Even though Tess missed the fresh air and the countryside, she was beginning to get used to the smoke and dirty streets of the city. 

One day, Tess was going to pick Charlie up from the Shelby main house, where the betting shop was, when she saw the whole family gathered at the table. As usual, they were gathered around a bottle of whiskey, cigarette smoke clouding the air. Tess guessed that Ada was probably in the adjacent room, looking after John's kids and Finn. 

“Why is everyone here?”, she asked Tommy, walking up to stand beside him.

Tommy gave her a once over, as if to check if she was alright. 

He did it often these days, since he worried for the baby. But, a small part of Tess liked to think was because of the way they’ve grown close as a family. After they shared the bed for the first time together as a married couple, Tess agreed to be physically intimate with him. And whilst she opened doors for him in the bedroom, Tommy has opened up to her emotionally and gave her the respect that a husband would give his wife. 

Even still, Tess didn’t like to fool herself into thinking that she needed anything more. She was content with the way things were, she told herself. She once read somewhere that good marriages were built on trust, not on love. Therefore, she tried to shy away from that subject, closing it off her mind for now.

“It’s a family meeting”, Polly informed her as she took a jittery drag of her cigarette, her kohl-lined eyes scanning Tess just as Tommy did before her, “Well would you look at that. Looks like somebody will be in labour by next month”.

Tess smiled, glad that Pollyw as in a good mood this once. Usually, if Polly was irritated, she never minded Tess. Tess didn’t take offence. It was Polly’s way, she thought that trusting anyone outside of her blood would only cause harm to the Shelby family.

Growing up in a close knit family, Tess tended to agree.

“ The midwives said that it would in two months, Pol”, Tommy said, tapping Tess’ stomach.

Arthur and John watched Tommy’s happy expressions with teasing smiles on their faces from the sidelines. John’s arms were wrapped around Martha, who just returned from the shift a bit earlier than Tess’.

“ Somebody’s going soft, Tommy boy”, Arthur laughed as he took a swig of whiskey, wiping his moustache in the process, “ Charmed by your pretty wife, I bet”.

Tommy waved him off, taking a gulp of the whiskey himself, an edge of an amused smirk on his face. Tess felt hot in the face but she, like Tommy, just looked the other way, feeling no more like an awkward child than she had just then. After downing his drink, Tommy set it on the table with a clatter. 

“ So shall we start then?”, he asked his family who all nodded as they sat on the table.

Tess and Martha took it as her que to leave, knowing that family meetings didn't include them. But, simply by being around the Shelbys for so long, they already heard the talk of Billy Kimber expanding and him fixing the races. The Shelbys briefly considered doing the same thing but as Polly screamed across the room, Kimber was too big of a fish. 

Indeed, even Tess knew, he was. Their shop was doing well and could do better but with the political unrest and the war everybody said was approaching, the family couldn't take any chances.

So, while they talked it all out, Tess waited for the meeting to be over to go home with Tommy. She was sitting in the small living room, as the fire flickered before her. Outside she could hear the men shouting as they walked to and fro, all of it oddly calming on Tess. Ada was sitting on the floor reading a letter, a smile wide on her face. Ada seemed so happy in that moment that Tess couldn't help but wonder who it was that wrote the letter. 

“ Ada”, she asked her younger sister-in-law, “ What you smiling about?”.

Ada turned to look at Tess, her bright blue Shelby eyes shining like sapphires. Out of everyone, she was the one with most innocent and clear of all minds. Not even Finn, as young as he was, was so untouched by life’s misfortune as Ada was.

“ Nothing”, the girl giggled as looked down, her cheeks blushing.

“ Aw come on now. It's a boy isn't it?”, Tess asked her cheekily. Ada nodded, biting her lip, looking down once again, “ Who is it then, Ada?”.

Ada looked around, her eyes obviously wary of her brothers.

“ Promise you won't tell Tommy”, Ada said with wide eyes.

“ I promise”, Tess assured her.

Ada sighed, waiting a few beats as she looked into the fire, the light flickering over her pale face. 

“ It's Freddie Thorne”, she replied finally, her cheeks a bright red now, “ We've been seeing each other, sort of”.

Tess opened her mouth in surprise, trying to conceal it quickly. Freddie Thorne was quite well known to her. He was one of Tommy’s closest friends and he often visited the house, sometimes talking to Tess. By the looks of him, he was not a bad lad. Over all, he was quite intelligent and sensible. Quite right for Ada.

But, it was what Tommy would think that made Tess think.

“ I know what you're thinking. Tommy would never approve of this”, Ada said, her voice heated, “But, everyone else is too scared of my brothers to approach me, Tess. Freddie’s not scared. He cares about me”.

Tess didn't say anything, just squeezing Ada’s hand in support. They shared a glance and Ada seemed to understand. While Tess was wary, she approved.

“ Tess, shall we?”, Tommy said as he put on his hat and coat, suddenly walking out of the dining room from the family meeting.

Tess gave Ada her last goodbye and waved at the rest of the family, putting on her own coat as well. She followed Tommy out the door, who put his arm around her waist. Men greeted him as he walked down the street but they all avoided looking at Tess. It was a common occurrence, considering how notorious the Peaky Blinders were for their casual violence along the lines of ‘don't look at me or my woman wrong’.

“ What you looking all glum about?”, Tommy said, his devastatingly blue eyes fixating on her. 

“ Nothing, really”, Tess replied quickly as they made their way down Watery Lane, “ Just thinking about what would happen if we have a daughter”.

Tommy seemed to understand her better than she intended, his eyes clouding over. The world, especially Birmingham, was dangerous for girls. They saw plenty young girls working as whores on the streets. While the men fought with bloody knuckles and harsh words, women were vulnerable without protection in Birmingham.  But, there was also the other side of things. With too much protection, as it was the case with Ada, there would be no freedom, no room to grow. Tess feared that her daughter would be forced to run around just as Ada had.

“ If we have a daughter”, Tommy said as they neared their home, “ Then I shall personally make sure that she grows up to be just as virtuous as you are, darling”.

And although the comment was made in jest, Tess sensed a layer of sincerity behind it, causing her heart to beat a little faster. She squeezed Tommy’s arm and laid her head on his chest for a moment, forgetting all her worries.


	7. The Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a big storm comin' but for now, it's just cute family time with Tess and Tommy

 

It was a complete stroke of luck that Tess was in the hospital when her water broke. 

She had been picking up some books Nurse Masters left for her to read. It was by Nurse Masters’ suggestion that she keep these books to make busy while waiting for the baby.

But as she was dropping by the hospital, the baby deemed it the perfect time to arrive.

Tess had been walking out of the hospital when she felt something wet run down her legs and she felt a pain in her lower abdomen, causing her to clutch it. Martha saw her and instantly rushed her inside, calling the midwives to hurry and get her set.

After that, it was seven hours of labor, during which Tommy and his family had allegedly come in. She didn't see no sign of him, just Polly and Martha, who gripped her hands tightly as she screamed her lungs off. They were a great help but not enough to alleviate the absolute pain that Tess was going through to deliver the baby.

“ Just one last push, Tessie girl, come on”, said the midwife through her thick Scottish accent.

Tess screamed, feeling as if her voice cords had ruptured from the strength of it, and pushed. She felt relieved at an instant and immediately after that, she heard the cry of a baby echo through the room. It was followed by Polly and Martha’s relieved laughter, whose eyes followed the bundle that the midwife was holding.

After snipping the cord between her and the baby, the midwife cleaned took it to the sink to wash it, while it cried and screamed. Although Tess was still recovering from the pain, she felt love swell in her heart as soon as she heard her baby. She felt like crying herself, barely holding back from all the emotions.

“ There you go, dear”, said the midwife as she handed her the baby, “ It’s a beautiful baby boy”.

Tess took her son into her arms and she started sobbing the moment she met his clear blue eyes.  _ Just like Tommy’s _ , she thought as she cried, love overflowing within her, filling every jagged corner in her heart.

She was so overwhelmed with all the love that she didn't hear Tommy coming in so when he appeared right next to her, she looked up a little startled. His smile was wider than any smile she's ever seen, illuminating the room, making her laugh a little herself. 

“ It's our baby”, she whispered as she gave him their child, “ It’s our son”.

Tommy looked at the baby in his hands as if he had discovered gold, happiness radiating off him in waves. Polly and Martha shared a small smile at the sight of his huge grin. Behind them, John and Arthur had come in as well, their smiles just as wide as Tommy’s.

“ Aye Tommy boy, you got yourself a good one, eh?”, John hollered as he clapped on Tommy’s back and gave Martha a sly little smile.

John and Martha got their twins just a year ago but already, Matthew and Mary became the jewel in their eyes. They were like Tommy and Tess in a way, forced to marry after finding out that there would be a baby coming. Unlike with Tommy, everyone expected John to get in trouble like that. As Polly once said, John was the most virile of all Shelby men she's ever met.

But currently, Polly was obviously not happy with her nephew, obvious by her instant fuming.

“ Who the fuck you being all rowdy for, John? The baby’s just been born, for Christ’s fucking sake”, she hissed, effectively shutting both the Shelby brothers down. 

Tess let out a little chuckle at the antics and instantly brightened as little Finn and Ada, carrying him, entered the room. She gestured for them to come closer and watched in delight as her sister-in-law’s eyes blurred with tears, watching the baby struggle in Tommy’s arms.

“Alright then, boys, take a look at him, will you”, Tommy said as he passed the baby to his brothers, who took him with glowing faces, displaying him to the rest of their siblings, as well as Martha and Polly.

The rest of the night was spent in celebration as they took the baby home, the boys pulling out the best whiskey and going down to the Garrison with the other Peaky boys. Tommy briefly dropped into the celebration, later returning home to Tess and the baby.

He caught her as she was feeding Charles, a name that Tommy announced as he stood on the table of the Garrison, proudly declaring the name of the new Shelby as if he was a part of royalty. 

Tommy shut the door behind him as he walked in his eyes instantly landing on the little one in Tess’ arms. 

“ He's surely one for the tit, eh?”, Tommy teased as the baby burrowed himself further in his mother’s chest.

Tess shot him an amused look and stroked Charlie’ head, seeming to forget about all else for a minute.

“ He's going to be a healthy boy, isn't he?”, Tess wondered out loud, kissing Charlie’s forehead.

“ Of course he will”, Tommy assured her, hugging her and the baby, surprising Tess by his sudden softness, “He'll be the King of Birmingham. He’ll have the whole country on their knees by the time he's old as I am”.

Tess chuckled.

“ That's too many expectations for a newborn, don't you think, Tommy?”, she asked him as she raised a brow.

Tommy laughed in response, as he had a lot in the past few months that he had been with Tess. Nevertheless, it never failed to warm Tess’ heart but also cause it contract, aware of the feelings that she was developing for him, but too scared to think of them.

“ I think the boy is sleeping”, Tommy informed her as Charlie’s eyelids closed.

Taking it as que, Tess took him to the cradle they had installed in the bedroom a month before. She kissed him one last time before tucking him in and turned off the light before returning by Tommy’s side, her arms wrapped around his torso.

He gave her a small peck as he brought her underneath his chin, her head nestled between his collarbone and jaw. She traced patterns on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it jumped by her ear.

“ We have a son now, Tommy”, she whispered into his chest.

“ Good”, he replied, “ Means we should have a daughter next”.

Tess gave him a small slap.

“ Did you know how much pain I just went through him pushing him out? And you want me to have more children after that?”, she complained begrudgingly.

“ We’ll have seven”, he stated confidently, with an air of amusement in his voice, “ We’ll get a big house in the country and we’ll have all our children running around, plucking grass and flowers”.

She nodded, slowly being lulled into sleep by his deep voice.

“ That doesn't sound like a bad idea”, she said.

“ No”, he agreed, “it doesn't”.

They both fell asleep soon after, their dreams carrying them away into that house by the countryside. They were all just one little, happy family in their small house down by Watery Lane, not realising that soon, their world would be changed.


	8. The War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have a little bit of a time skip in this chapter. It's two years since Tess gave birth to Charlie and it's 1914, the beginning of WW1.

Tess didn't shed a tear as she watched Tommy and his brothers leave on that train to France.

She couldn't, because if she started crying, she wouldn't be able to stop. Charlie, on the contrary, was bawling, just as the rest of the children on the platform were. Beside her, Martha’s small body was racking with sobs, clutching her three children close to her.

Tommy, John and Arthur waved at them from the train car, their smiles looking forced but their eyes looking terrified. Tess found Tommy looking at her, a silent message in his eyes. His eyes looked so haunted, so full of a strange feeling, almost resembling one of love. It made Tess want to claw at her own throat, just realising that whatever they could’ve build, whatever they had, would be torn apart in war.She was about to scream that she’d wait for him, but before she could yell out anything, the train was already leaving at an alarming speed, the steam engulfing the air around them.

The platform turned into a chaos of mothers and aunts and wives and children just all watching the men go, tears in their eyes. It was a bleak October morning, fitting for its’ dark weather. If anything, this was the day of mourning. Mourning for would be lost, not only in death, but in the horrors of what was to come. When the train departed, they all made their way out of the train station but Tess still could barely process it.

They had sent the summons in the last month, knocking upon each door in Birmingham, causing further alarm from watching the chaos unfold over the news. It had been just two years after Charlie had been born and Tess had recently found out that she was pregnant by her second child. It would have usually been an occasion of celebration, if not for the fact that Tommy wouldn't be here through the birth. None of the men would be.

It all terrified Tess so much to the point that she suggested they all go to the road for awhile, camp out until the conflict was avoided. But, Arthur, Tommy and John were adamant that it was their duty before their country. 

Tess couldn't convince them otherwise.

So, they left. Just like that, boarding the train to their possible death. 

Before he left, Tess and Tommy promised each fervently that they’d write to each other and that she’d tell him all about the baby. But, even as they promised each other that, Tess had been well aware that Tommy might never see the day till the birth of their second child. It caused her so much pain that she could barely get out of bed for the first week since they left.  It had been the same for Martha, who faced the consequence of being left with three children to raise by herself.

Surprisingly, it had been Polly that pulled them out of their grieving state. It all happened very suddenly, since one morning, Polly decided that she would break into Tess’ house and ruffle the house up.

“ Get the fuck up, Tess”, Polly told her as she stormed in, opening the curtains, impeccable in her heels and dress, “ You've been in the house the whole week but now it's time to get up”.

Tess hesitantly stood up, bringing her robe closer to her body. She rubbed her sleepy eyes, looking around in a bit of a daze. 

“ Why are you here?”, she asked her aunt-in-law, who was in the process of lighting a cigarette, looking both angry and frustrated.

Polly just gave her a look and opened the wardrobe that Tess had in her room, taking a dress and a hat out of it, throwing it in Tess’ hands.

“ Now look”, she said, blowing smoke out of the cigarette, “ I know you're fucking sad alright. We all bloody are. Had to get Martha to get out from the house with the children for three fucking hours. Been nothing but crying that poor girl. But, you”, she pointed at Tess with an immaculate finger, “ I expected better from you. You're bloody pregnant, you have a son and a job to maintain. I gave you a week to mop but this is it. We’re not like them fucking aristocrats who can afford to be sad all day. You've got work to do. Now dress up”.

With those words, Polly left the room for Tess to dress up, her heels clicking across the wooden tiles. Tess sighed deeply, looking at the letter that Tommy sent her, in the corner of her dressing table.

She cried for hours reading his letter. In it, he detailed how he'd been assigned to the Somme, to work as a tunneler. He said that many died in the job but he made it a point to say that he'd survive. There were no words of passionate love or declarations to be made but Tess didn't need them. As long as he was alright, as long as he was alive, she could breathe a little easier.

She sat in front of her dressing table, looking at her reflection. Tess knew that if her mother saw her like this she’d be crowing worse than Polly. Her mother would scowl in disgust at women who did nothing but grieve all day after their husbands left them. Tess found it cruel but her mother always said that by letting themselves go, these women damned their children.

It stuck in Tess’ memory, that. She imagined that if she stayed like that she'd truly be damning Charlie and any child she might be having next. She needed to make sure that Tommy had something to return to. That by the time he'd be back, they had everything ready for him.

With these determined thoughts, she put on the dress and tights Polly gave her, marching downstairs, where Polly waited for her.

Polly gave her a satisfied nod after a once over, handing her a coat as she began to walk out. Tess followed soon after, skirting after the Shelby matriarch in a rush.

“ Where we going, Pol?”, Tess asked, fixing her hat.

Polly continued walking down the road confidently, raising heads as she walked by, but not even stopping to look back. Tess just followed after her, looking around anxiously after a week of being cooped up.

“ We’re going to church”, Polly replied, “ If there's one thing you can do at this point, Tess, it’s pray”.

Tess decided not to argue with her. While she was never a big believer, being part of a gypsy clan always meant that religion played a large role in her life. Her mother was a devout Catholic and she would make them memorise all the prayers, sometimes dragging them by their ears when they refused to. 

And Polly was right. There was nothing to do but pray at this point. There was nothing Tess could do.

When they arrived to church, Tess lit a candle for all three of the Shelby brothers, as well as her unborn child, kneeling in front of the cross, praying with all her might. She whispered all the prayers she could remember, soaking in the silence of the church, watching as light washed over them through the windows.

It was oddly calming, making Tess understand why Polly came here so often. She waited for Polly as she saw the elder woman light the candles one by one, her eyes watching cried with tears in her eyes. In a way, there was something beautiful in her devotion, as drenched as she was in blood and criminality. 

When they were done, Polly took her to the main house, where Martha was waiting, looking tired and washed out. Martha was a beautiful girl, sweet, blonde-haired and doe eyed. She was small but not skinny like a twig. There was a softness to her, as if from a butterblume.

They all sat down over tea, while the kids where playing in the living room. Martha obviously had something to say, seeing as she was awkwardly twiddling her thumbs, her eyes downcast. Polly looked at her as if telling her to go on, her brows a little furrowed.

Martha cleared her throat.

“ I’ve been trying to ignore the symptoms”, Martha said, “ But I think I might be pregnant again”.

Polly sighed, dropping her face into her hands, mumbling something along the lines of ‘horny men and their fucking virility’. 

Tess was a little shocked, nearly dropping her cup. The midwives had already warned Martha on the risk of having more children. Martha was small and had an extremely hard time each time she gave birth to her children. They advised her not to have more children, doubtful of how it could impact her life, as well as her children’s.

“ Martha”, Polly said softly, “ Dear, you know nobody will blame you if you can't keep the baby”.

Martha looked all wide-eyed at Polly, her face a little more than startled. She, more so than Polly, was a woman of high morals, hence her early marriage to John even with the option of illegal abortion. While she was not a fanatic, her faith in Christ was strong, affecting a lot of decisions in her life.

“ You know I can't do that”, she said, sniffling a little bit as tears began to gather in her eyes, “ It might be the last thing John gave me. What if I never see him again?”.

Polly sighed once again, rubbing her temples. Tess just looked at Martha’s tear-stained face and took her hand in her own, rubbing it. At this point, they had been good friends and almost like sisters. Tess was terrified of what would happen if Martha left them.

“ Think of the children you already have, Martha”, Tess said gently, “ What will they do if something happens to you, hm? John wouldn't blame you either”.

Martha started sobbing, her pretty brown eyes overflowing with tears. She clutched her stomach, her shoulders shaking. Polly, softening, began rubbing her back.

“ But I can't. I can't do it. I know it's wrong but I just can't bring myself to… when John is gone. What if he is dead out there and I killed the last living reminder of him? I won't live with myself”, Martha choked out, her lip wobbling. 

Tess and Polly shared a look but didn't say anything about it. They gave Martha a bath and got her into a nightgown, putting her to sleep with the with the children. Tess decided to stay as well, feeling a little better from not being by herself with Charlie.

For the first time since Tommy left, Tess felt a little warmer in her heart. She felt a little bit more at home, amidst the Shelby women, with all their vivacity, ferociousness and vulnerability.

Because beneath it all, lay strength. And strength, they would need in these dark hours. Without strength, they'd crumble part and turn to dust.


	9. The Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " God takes the best first" -Polly Gray

Tess gave birth to Tara on a stormy winter night, when the snow was pouring down from heavens. The midwife could barely get there in time for Tess’ birth, huffing and puffing as she arrived all red-cheeked through the door. 

It was an agonizingly slow birth, full of screaming and yelling. While Polly and Ada were there with her to attend to her needs, Martha was by herself in the other room, too heavily pregnant to help. Tess thought for a moment, that she might die giving birth to this child, while in the throes of pain-induced delirium.

But, once the baby came out, Tess decided that all the pain was worth it. When Polly handed her the baby, Tess started crying from happiness, watching her child, pink as day, squirming in her arms.

She named her Tara Martha Shelby, by the names of both her own and Tommy’s maternal grandmothers. Tara looked so much like Tommy, even more so than Charlie, who had Tess’ mop of brown hair and freckles. Tara was all sun-kissed skin and black hair with eyes the color of winter seas. She reminded Tess so much of Tommy that it caused her heart to crush in both happiness and despair. Tess missed him so much, so much that even looking at their daughter was painful.

Nonetheless, despite the dark times they were in, despite the war that seemed to have no end and the absence of Tara’s father, they threw a small celebration. Polly and Ada cracked open of champagne for those ‘special days’ and poured it for the girls, giving bittersweet smiles, since they were the only ones they could give.

Even Martha came back down, looking drained and pale, as if she had been chewed out of the ocean. Tess, Ada and Polly all exchanged worried looks, as they did often these days. Martha had been growing weaker as her stomach continued to swell. It was worsened by the fact that she didn't tell John of the condition she was in due to her pregnancy, neither did she allow the others to. Polly predicted it would all end in disaster.

Tess didn't want to agree, but the rational side of her did.

She tried to push these thoughts away as she progressed through life, mostly writing letters to Tommy back and forth, trying to keep him updated on the baby. Slowly, his responses began to get shorter, more removed, more distant. It felt just like before they had gotten close and Tess could feel a wall building between her and Tommy. While he was never a man of many words, he would always make it a point to leave her hopeful messages. He would write to her in subtle ways of how he missed her, by saying he missed their Sunday roasts and quiet days at home. All that was suddenly disappearing. 

Tess never really loved anyone, at least not in the ways that she loved Tommy. She couldn't navigate the paths of love, neither could she navigate the paths of marriage. She didn't know if it was the war or the fact that he didn't need her anymore. Tess didn't even know that if telling him that she loved him would change anything. So, she just let him slip away. She let him without knowing that perhaps, it had been one of the greatest mistakes of her entire life.

But, Tess didn't even have the time to think about the distance between her and Tommy because slowly, Martha’s due date was approaching. She began to look completely washed out, refused to eat and had nightmares often, not being able to sleep alone. Even her two eldest, Matthew and Mary, who were now four, began seeing changes in her.

It all culminated on a bleak winter morning, when Martha’s water broke and she began having contractions. The midwife came quickly this time, but did not seem hopeful from the moment she saw Martha. Tess tried her best to help her out through her long birth, tears blurring her eyes as she watched blood ooze out of Martha slowly. Even Polly was crying, praying by Martha’s bedside, clutching her hand in a tight grip.

When the baby finally came out, everything seemed to lighten for a moment. It was like a light in the dark, a match in an endless tunnel of despair. When Martha was handed her baby, she looked so happy, so pleased, that Tess thought that for a moment, it would be alright.

“ Call her Katherine”, she said to Tess, her eyes shining with a strange, almost euphoric emotion,

“That's what they were going to call my sister when she was born. They were going to call her little Katie. Call her after my sister”.

Tess nodded, stroking Martha’s hair as the midwife frantically tried to stop her from bleeding. Ada was full out sobbing in the corner as she watched one rag after another soaked in Martha’s blood. Polly continued praying, her hand clutching Martha’s hand even tighter. Tess stood there, both in and out of consciousness. She looked into Martha’s eyes as life left them, turning glassy, lifeless.

The moment she saw death settle in her eyes, Tess let out a scream, collapsing on her knees. The baby cried in her dead mother’s arms, it’s screams echoing those of Tess’. Because, just like everyone in the room, the child had witnessed its’ mother dying and nothing was worse than that.

The midwife later said that it had been postpartum hemorrhage, whatever the fuck that meant. She lost too much blood, she said. There was nothing anyone could do. But, Tess felt partially responsible as she listened to the midwife say these words. She wanted to say that she could've stopped it. That she could've convinced Martha to abort the baby, but she didn't. She couldn't say it into her friend’s face and now, she would bear the responsibility for it. 

They buried Martha in the next three days, in a small church a little outside Birmingham, where her stillborn sister, Katherine, was buried. It was snowing heavily on that day, just as it had when Tess was giving birth. All of Martha’s children, including Katie, who was in Ada’s hands, were there, bawling their eyes out. It hurt Tess to look at them, to see all of them together and knowing that they were just a hair away from becoming orphans. Four children, their mother dead, their father at war.

It hurt Tess even more to think that John could not be there to bury his wife. John was probably the most feeling of all his brothers. While he looked tough and strong and almost impenetrable, he loved his wife dearly. Tess knew that losing her would devastate him so the role of informing was handled by Polly, who was the only sane one through this whole ordeal. Tess couldn't imagine the pain of telling a husband that there was no wife to return to. She couldn't imagine the pain of being told that the person you were waiting to come back to, was gone. 

It all made her think of Tommy, who had begun writing to her more and more rarely. These days, she heard more of him from Arthur, who wrote regularly to his aunt to tell her how they were all doing. He said that Tommy got injured but survived, but he mentioned that he did not think his brother was sound of mind anymore. It scared Tess to think about Tommy all broken, alone, in those tunnels. She wanted to march up to 10 Downing Street herself and tell the Prime Minister to bring him back home. 

Instead, Tess flooded Tommy with letters. She asked him of his health, she told him of Tara and Charlie. She even sent him a picture of all of them, in desperation to get any reply back. 

There were none.

And there would be none until October of 1918, four years since he left and three since he last wrote to her that she got one letter from him, containing one sentence.

I'm coming home.


	10. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Only the dead have seen an end to war" -Plato

While Tommy’s body might have survived the war, his mind didn't. There would always be something in him that would be broken forever, broken from killing too many, seeing too many die. Good men, bad men, it didn't matter. They were all dead by the end of it, all buried in unknown graves, their bones buried far from home. 

When he first arrived to France, Tommy was not the man that he was today. While he thought he had been tough, that he saw the dark side of life, he couldn't have been more wrong. There was still an innocence in him, a joy of life, attachments to the world.

The first year in France, he tried to hold onto to the fact that he had a family waiting for him back home. In those nights in the tunnels, when he thought he'd never see the sight of sun again, he imagined Tess and Charlie. He imagined Tess in that yellow bright dress that she wore to the countryside once, her hair let down, flowing down her back in waves. He saw her eyes, dark like the depth of night, but warm like the light of fire. He saw his son in her arms, his eyes looking up at him, his smile as wide as the world. 

For a while, it had been what kept Tommy floating. He'd hold onto the picture of them fervently, to the point that the picture had been nearly rubbed out from the many times he stroked it with his finger. During those days and nights when he'd thought he'd die, when he thought he couldn't go any further, it had kept him sane.

But, around the time that his daughter was born, Tommy began to lose himself. He just kept imagining his daughter, agonizingly himself with the fact that maybe, he'd never see her again. That this war, just as it had taken away many things, would take away his chance of seeing his own daughter. It nearly drove him insane, thinking of how close he was to his family, but how far away they were. Reading letters from Tess made it worse, making him stop reading them and writing to her altogether.

Tommy realised that it was terrible of him but lines of what was terrible and what was not were slowly blurring to him. It was also around that time that John had gotten news of his wife dying, as he informed Tommy on one of those rare days that the brothers actually got to see each other. Something broke in John when he got the news and he became more broken than he already was due to the war. Tommy feared being that broken, he feared thinking of whatever could happen of his family while he was gone. Sometimes, he thought of Tess leaving him for another man, tired of waiting for him. Sometimes, he saw her injured, hurt by other men with him not there to ensure her protection. It was getting so maddening that Tommy erased the thought of his family completely from his mind while he was at war.

While Tommy was tunneling he lived in constant fear. There was always a risk of collapsing, poisoning from the carbon and worse, the unwarranted explosion of mines they'd already set in. Sometimes, there were times Tommy thought that they'd be buried alive by the enemy’s tunnellers and he'd have nightmares about it for weeks, screaming through the night.

As years passed by, Tommy could deal less and less with his nightmares. Like many soldiers, he sought oblivion, an absolution of all the sins and memories that he gathered. Like his brothers, he visited brothels, all in a quest to escape the reality of war. The first time he visited, he kept seeing his wife in the woman, the guilt like a shadow over him. Tommy never thought he loved Tess but in that moment, when memories of the softest of her sighs, of the tickle of her hair on his chest, appeared in his head, he doubted himself for a moment. But, imagining her when she wasn't there just brought further pain to Tommy. So, he kept visiting he brothels until he was numb to guilt. Until he succumbed to the oblivion.

But, whores weren't enough to satisfy him. He began to rely on cigarettes, alcohol and soon enough, opium as well. In his opium induced state, he could see his children running through the field, Tess right by his side, blinding him with her huge smile. Even though he knew how dangerous it was, he kept chasing the feeling again and again, wanting to escape the war to just, for a moment, be back home again.

When the war was finally seeming to come to an end, Tommy didn't know what to do. His life, for such a long time, seemed to revolve around it. Everyday, he breathed and saw the light of dawn again just to fight the war. His purpose in life was lost. 

He scribbled a quick note to his wife when he got whiff of the fact that they'd be coming back. He didn't put anything else in there because he was too scared to. By the accounts of his brothers, she was still in Small Heaths, living with Polly, healthy, still working at the hospital. His Charlie would be going to school soon and Tara was going to daycare. His family was waiting for him on the homefront, just as he left them, but completely different. 

Of fucking course Tommy was scared. After such a long silence, he would have to see them again. He would have to see his wife and his children, who probably didn't remember or didn't know who he was. The objects of his drug-induced dreams, the visions of what he kept locked up deep in his soul, were coming to life. He was downright terrified. 

On the train to Birmingham, Tommy didn't shut an eye to sleep. He kept remembering the dreams he had, of glory, of fame, of ensuring that his family was always up high. He, like many soldiers, believed that when they returned home, everything would be different. But he, like everyone else, was wrong. 

When they arrived to Birmingham on a lazy Sunday afternoon, everything looked just as they left it. While some found it to be assuring, Tommy didn't. The streets were just as dirty. The people were just as poor. They were just as disadvantageous. There was something in Tommy that knew they didn't deserve this after fighting the King’s war. The something in him that was hungry for glory and power, the part of him that knew they deserved more.

When they stopped at the platform, Tommy’s eyes instantly sought out his family. They were there, just at the edge of the platform. Charlie was so grown up now that he was hard to look at. Holding his hand was a four year old girl, with hair black like tar and eyes the brightest, lightest blue. Tara. Tess was holding her hand, her brown hair, spilling over her shoulder, long as ever. But, otherwise, she looked tired, worn. While she may have looked just as young on the outside, her eyes looked like they've seen more than they should have. 

When he got off the train, Tommy and his brothers stood there as soldiers began running towards their families. As the crowd began to dissipate, they slowly approached Polly, Ada and Tess, with all the children by their feet, clutching to their skirts. 

Polly was first to start slowly approaching them. She walked to up to three of them, her eyes full of tears, hugging them tightly. All three of them hugged her back, murmuring that it was alright as she cried. Ada was next, hugging all three of her brothers separately. Tommy couldn't help but notice how much she's grown, making him saddened that he missed his sister growing up. 

At last, Tommy was met face to face with Tess. He started approaching her while John kneeled down to hug all his children and Arthur talked to Polly.  She looked like she was holding her breath, like a hesitant lamb that was approaching a wounded animal. 

“ Tess”, he breathed out, “ I'm back”.

Tess started crying as she heard his voice, closing her eyes as tears began to leak out of her eyes. She turned her head down, causing Charlie to look in concern at his mother.

Without a word, Tommy pulled her into his arms, breathing in the scent of hair, smelling of sea and salt. He could feel her crying into his shirt, clutching him with all her might. It had been so long since he felt her in his arms that Tommy almost forgot how soft she felt. How she made his heart jump a little, almost clogging up his throat. The feeling both made him feel alive and terrified.

“ I'm glad you're back”, she whispered into his ear, her voice shaking a little.

Tommy nodded, stepping back from the embrace, kneeling down in front of his children. He looked at Charlie first, who was looking at him in confusion.

“ Ma says that you’re our dad”, Charlie said, his brows furrowing.

Tommy smiled a little, running a hand through his son’s hair. He felt a little jittery, since he was so unused to be being a father after being away from his children that long. Suddenly, he didn't have one but two of them.

“I am your dad. I'm sure Ma said a lot of things about me”, Tommy told him, glancing at Tess from the corner of his eyes.

“ Ma says that you a war hero”, Tara piped in, albeit with a little bit of a childish mispronunciation.

Tommy gave his daughter a look, suddenly feeling proud and joyous to see her. There were days when he thought he'd never be able to meet her but yet here she was, alive and well. Tommy brought her into his embrace, followed by Charlie who squeezed in between them.

Tess looked over them, a happy smile on her face as she watched her children hug their father. 

“ I’m back now. It's all going to be different”, Tommy said as he looked into his children’s eyes, filled with both confusion and wonder.

Factory smoke rose over the gray Birmingham sky and the musty air brought back memories of childhood to Tommy, back when he was a kid. He felt anger slowly boil within him as he looked around, to his family, his children, his wife. After going to such devastating lengths to save his country, to fight for it, the soldiers all returned to the same image. The same bleak streets, the same scrambling for a spot in the sunlight. No fucking medal was going to change that. Nothing was going to change that.

Only Tommy could change that.

And, as he stood on that platform station, fresh off the war with explosion still ringing in his ears, through blood and sweat and tears Tommy vowed that he would. If no one else did it for them, Tommy would get his brothers, his family, where they deserved to be himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the inception of what I would call Tommy's "I'm gonna be an angsty dick that murders people" stage. So prepare yourself for the huge doze of angst coming. (Also if you like this story please leave kudos and maybe even a comment or something like that). Tell me how you feel you about the Tess POV vs Tommy POV. Which ones do you wanna see more?


	11. The Smoke and Mirrors

Tess remembered how her father would drink himself into a stupor after watching his brothers die in front of his eyes. It happened in a shootout with some other gang, the Russians, they said. Tess had been little then but she remembered how her father returned home crying, crumpled after all three of his brothers were shot dead. The bonds between family members were always strong with the gypsies, but the bonds of brotherhood were sacred.

She remembered that look in her father’s eyes when he returned home that night. He looked lost, maddened, shocked. 

Tess had forgotten how her father looked back then. She shoved it back far into her mind, never to be opened again. She buried all her memories of her father with him. But, Tess couldn't help but be reminded of him each time she woke in the dead of night and saw the same face on Tommy. 

He would scream often in his sleep, sobbing and screaming out strange names. Tess would gather him in her arms and he'd hold onto her so tightly that she saw bruises the next morning, causing Tommy to curse in apology. Sometimes he wouldn't sleep at all. Instead, he'd take long walks outside, doing God knows what. Most of the time though, they'd spend their nights together, wrapped around each other's arms. Tommy became insatiable since he arrived from war, dragging her into bed at every opportunity. Although, Tess doubted it was because he missed her. More so than anything, his touches were desperate, fervent. Tess could feel that he was escaping something, something very terrible.

Sometimes, she felt like offering Tommy physical solace was all she could do. He became so reserved since coming back, going in long hours not talking to anyone, holed up in his office. He'd drink alone often, leaving bottles of whiskey and gin behind him, as well as endless butts of cigarettes. Tommy became really invested in Peaky business as well, going around to check the horses and the numbers. Gone was the family man before the war. There was now a glint of determination in Tommy’s eyes, like something died within him to give birth a whole other thing anew. 

Neither of them addressed the fact that he did not write to her during the war for a good week or so after he came back. Tess wanted to yell at him how she had nearly gone insane from him disappearing on her and then coming back as if nothing was wrong. She wanted to scream that she entrusted him with her heart, that she loved him, yet he shoved it back into her hands.

Tess’ love for Tommy was agonizing and impossible. One would think that a wife should love her husband. That it was natural. But, loving Tommy was like loving the fire. While you loved it and adored and approached nearer to it, all it would do is burn you back.

There were moments when Tess looked at Tommy, after such a long time of not being able to see him, and she felt her heart being ruptured. He seemed so distant, so cruel, like he could crush her heart any second. Tess knew what love looked like. It did not look like what Tommy had for her. To know that only made the pain of carrying this feeling worse. So, she was careful not to dive deeper in those feelings. She told herself to be a good wife, a good mother and forget about Tommy loving her back altogether. Tess thought that Tommy deserved to have somebody love him, even if he wouldn't love her back.

So, when it came time to talk about how he had not written to her about the war, Tess forced herself not to get impassioned. Her grandmother once told her that feelings were like weeds when it came to conflict. They did nothing but prevent it from being resolved.

“ Tommy”, she asked him one night as they were getting ready for bed, a week or so after he came back, “ What happened to you in the past three years?”.

Tommy, clad in only some sleeping pants, looked in the other direction, his eyes unfocused. He didn't say anything for a little while as he lit his cigarette, taking a few drags. 

“ What do you want me to say, Tess?”, he asked her, “ I was fucking fighting the bloody war”.

Tess stared at Tommy with a hard look, knowing that he was avoiding the fact that he forgot her. All those letters that she sent him were left unanswered. He couldn't even imagine how terrified she was for him, knowing that he could die any moment and she'd be the last person to know.

“ All those letters I sent you, you didn't read them, did you?”, she asked him a sad tinge in her voice, “For three years, Tommy, three years, I heard no word of you. You could've been on the other side of the world and I wouldn't know”.

He looked at her, his head turned sideways, his eyes capturing the light of the fire. There was no passion in him, no real connection. Looking at him made Tess feel as if she was swimming through a cold, cold ocean.

“ But I didn't go anywhere did I? I was just across the channel, digging the tunnels”, Tommy replied, taking a drag of the cigarette, the smoke spreading through the room.

Tess sighed, crumpling her nightgown, frustration building up inside her. She wanted to spit in his face and tell him how it all made her feel. She wanted to burst or crying and scream. But, she did none of that. She pushed it down, just as she learned to.

“ Do you love me?”, she asked him quietly, her voice shaking slightly, shudders spreading through her body.

Tess prayed desperately that he would reply kindly to her, that he'd say the words that she'd dreamt of hearing. But, instead, she was met with silence, watching her hopes dissipate as quickly as the smoke did.

“ Is love what you really want from me, Tess?”, he asked her, looking her straight in the eye, “ Do you want admiration? Reverence?”.

Tess shook her head, denying it.

Tommy leaned in, his breath brushing over her face.

“ You are my wife, the mother to my children. It doesn't matter if I love you, nothing will change that. You will be the Queen of Birmingham. Riches will rain down on us, no one will dare touch us. And you, you will be at the very top of it all. So, whether I love you or not will not matter. We've got everything we need”, he told her, retracting his face from hers.

Tess’ heart fell to her feet. Her hands balled into fists, crumpling the nightgown even further.

“ It matters to me”, she breathed out unevenly, 

“ Whether you love me or not matters to me”.

As she said those words, Tess shot up from her bed, stalking out to the guest bedroom. She could hear Tommy curse behind her but she didn't stop. She felt so heavy in her heart when she looked at him that she simply couldn't sleep next to him at the moment. 

She lay awake all night that night, dreaming and wondering and screaming into her pillow. Tess felt as if someone cursed her, cursed to marry and love somebody who was slowly removing himself from the world. Because the Tommy she's known was slowly disappearing. In his place, arrived somebody whom she's never met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanna thank you guys for all the support) you're the best!  
> also, angst much? this is just the tip of the iceberg though, hehe.


	12. The Brothers

If there was one thing that Tess absolutely sure about is that she loved her children with all her heart. She didn’t think she could love anyone like she loved her children but from the moment they entered her world, they had captured her heart completely and utterly. 

Charlie was quiet, like both Tess and Tommy, and intelligent for his age. He had a perceptive eye, one that noticed things that some adults didn’t. He was much like Tommy in his nature, while his looks, apart from the eyes, hailed from Tess. Charlie was sensible, understanding but relentless in his goals.

As for Tara, despite being a splitting imagine of her father, she was much like Tess. She had Tess’ gypsy wild spirit, yet she was quiet, even shy. She was kind to everyone, very soft at heart and prone to crying very easily. But, when there came a time of troubles, she’d stand just as tall as her brother.

Tess’ children were one of the reasons that she stayed with Tommy at all. Since coming back from Birmingham, he’d become more and more different. There was a ruthlessness in him, as seen by the way that he easily manipulated his brothers into doing they wouldn’t usually do. He was often not home, appearing less and less as months went by. There were nights when he just wouldn't show up, later coming back home, drunk and smelling heavily of cigars.

Tess suspected many things but never voiced them, all for the kids. She focused on her work at the hospital, soon to be promoted as head nurse. She helped Charlie out with school and got Tara out and to daycare. She tried to ignore her family’s criminal background altogether, feeling normal whenever Tommy wasn't home, which was often. 

Tommy and Tess still slept in the same room and they still slept with each other but Tess had long let go of the expectation that it meant anything. She accepted that her heart would be perpetually broken by Tommy. The suffering from being so close to him, yet so far away, the questions about the possibility of other women clawing on her, she accepted it all for the kids.

One day, however, she broke down completely. 

It was on an early Thursday morning and Tess had just sent away the kids to school and so she waited at home. She had a night shit at the hospital that day and would be leaving the kids with Polly and Ada. Meanwhile, she was peacefully sitting in their house, listening to the radio as she sat down on the kitchen table.

Suddenly, the front had burst open, revealing Arthur and John, breathing heavily. Tess shot up, a startled and confused expression on her face. 

“ Aye, Tessie”, John said as carried a stumbling Arthur through the door, “ Arthur got himself in a scruff. Needs some stitching to do, he does”.

Tess sighed, looking Arthur up and down. He was clutching his side, where blood was blooming through his white shirt. He was hissing through his teeth, his eyes clouded over with pain. John was carrying him, looking at Tess pleadingly. She hurried over to the kitchen, taking out her nurse box and taking out a small dose of morphine as well as sterilized needle and thread. 

“Take off his shirt and lay him down on the table”, Tess ordered to John.

He did as she said and lay Arthur down. She handed him the morphine, which he quickly swallowed, blinking rapidly. Tess took out the needle and thread, rubbing Arthur’s bleeding skin with alcohol before going in for a stitch. 

Although Arthur hissed as she sewed him up, he didn't say much else and handled it better than most of her patients did. Meanwhile, John was smoking in the corner, observing Tess and Arthur.

“ How are the kids, John?”, Tess asked him as she added another stitch.

“ Fucking rowdy, they are. Matthew beat some kid in school, Katie’s been pissing her pants. It's a bloody mess”, John replied, cigarette smoke escaping through his lips.

Tess nodded sympathetically. She took care of John’s kids on the days off that she had so Tess had a good idea of how difficult it was to deal with them. Dealing with Charlie and Tara alone made Tess feel tired. She couldn't imagine what John must've felt.

When she was done with Arthur’s stitches, she had handed him a glass of whiskey, just as she always did with Tommy. He often came with injuries back in the days before the war. Tess smiled sadly at Arthur gulping down his glass, hugging her shawl closer to her.

“ Do you know where Tommy is? Tara’s been asking for him”, Tess asked them, looking down a little awkwardly.

How embarrassing was it to ask her brothers-in-law where her own husband was?

John and Arthur exchanged looks, their eyes a little wary. While it was no secret that they did business on the wrong side of town, Tommy always strived to keep it away from Tess. His mentality was that the more hidden she was from sight, the less his enemies would disturb her and his children. Tess didn't agree with that mentality but it wasn't as if she wanted to see the business anyway.

“ He's uptown”, John finally answered, “ Doing business”.

Tess poured herself a cup of tea as she sat down beside them. She took a sip and put down the cup with a resolute clank.

“ I haven't seen him for three days, John”, she said quietly, “ You don't have to lie to me. I know that he doesn't spend his nights with you men. Birmingham has enough whores to house him”.

Arthur coughed loudly, causing John to pat him on the back.

The thing was that Tess actually liked John and Arthur. Although there were moments when she didn't agree with them, they always treated her fairly and even called her their sister. But, even then, she knew that they only trusted their blood. Their loyalty lied with Tommy.

“ Tess, you're a good woman”, Arthur said, “ You’re a good wife. But, Tommy is not in a good place right now. He's different. There will be things that he will do and that he did that you'll not like. But, believe me when I say that he values you”.

Tess shook her head and lowered it, feeling sadness and loneliness seep through her like water. It had been crippling her through months, slowly eating away at her since Tommy returned. She waited for him for so long, she stayed faithful to him, even if other men have offered to give her a better life. All because she loved Tommy. What was being valuable compared to being admired and loved?

As if sensing her sadness, John put an arm around Tess, rubbing her shoulders in comfort. 

“ It'll be alright, Tessie girl. You'll see”, he assured her, his usually rough voice becoming softer.

Tess felt tears prickle her eyes but she quickly wiped them away, lowering her head again. Arthur looked at her in sympathy.

“ The war had done irreparable things to us, sister. He’ll need time. Give him some time”, Arthur said, sounding wiser than he usually would.

Tess nodded, raising her eyes to look at him, as if assuring him that she was alright. After all, Tess couldn't afford to be not alright. Her children depended on her. In a way, Tommy depended on her to be alright as well.

“ It's gonna fine, boys”, Tess said, putting her hands on their shoulders, smiling a little bit for the show, “ It's not that I can leave him anyway”.

At that, they gave her smiles that mirrored her own.

They seemed to know that she was going through pain. They understood. But, in the end, just like her, they stayed loyal to Tommy. Through pain and through blood, in a way, all three of them were bound by family ties. Tess smiled bitterly, thinking of the day when she and Tommy did a blood vow on their wedding day. Truly, it felt like she’d bound to him since then.

With those thoughts, Tess saw John and Arthur off the door with some food, hugging them heartily and telling them to be careful even if she knew they wouldn't be. They reminded her of her brothers, hot-blooded, aggressive and in some way, mad. But, also loyal to their family, no matter what.

_ May my blood redden the earth for my family,  _ the gypsies said. Tess thought of that phrase a lot on days like these, when she felt despair in every cell of her body. She couldn't think of anything else that would keep her in this house, in this city apart from the fact that she had a  family. It was just one string, one attachment, but it meant more to Tess than the entire world. 

So, she went with it. She pulled through. She cried and she wept and she screamed and yelled, but Tess stayed. She stayed for her family. Because, after all, if there was no family, was there really anything at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, wrote this chapter only because I love John (especially John) and Arthur. I'm also lowkey an Esme and John shipper so expect to see some Esme in this story as well (because I adore her, she's amazing).


	13. The Other Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned -William Congeve
> 
> To get the full experience listen to Beyonce (ft. Andre 3000) - Back to Black (OST Great Gatsby)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: sexual assault and attempted rape

Everyone was talking about the new barmaid at the Garrison.

_ She sang sweet songs,  _ they said,  _ came all the way from Ireland,  _ they said. Tess heard nothing but talk of her as she got on and off work. Being the head nurse, she had a lot of responsibilities and absolutely not one to focus on small rumours. Who cared if there was some sweet-faced Irish girl that came to town? Tess had children to worry about, a job she needed to keep.

But, it had been rumours that her husband had taken a fancy to her that caught Tess’ eye. He had recently been home more often, which didn't necessarily make him closer to Tess. Since she found out about Lizzie Stark in the six months following the end of the war, she didn't talk to him much. It had been embarrassing to find out from her neighbors that her husband had been going in and out of a whore’s place for a month now.

Since then, Tess had refused Tommy’s sexual advances and had a huge scandal with him, involving a lot of screaming and several broken plates. But, when she burnt out her anger, she just stopped talking to him outright. She went back to her room that she occupied before she began sharing a room with him, which seemed so long ago, even though it's been only six years. Her silence was met with his own for a while. But, it seemed that he still missed her by his side, since he often came knocking at her door at night, obviously seeking to use her body again. 

Tess didn't give him that. Just because she stayed married to him and suffered through his sexual endeavours didn't mean she'd ignore them and go back jumping into his arms. She had too much pride for that. She was a Boswell, for Christ’s sake.

But, the rumour about Grace intrigued her. For what she could see, it seemed that Tommy wasn't sleeping with her. Yet, everyone talked about how he stared at her across the pub while she sang. It was obvious he was intrigued with her. Something in Tess, probably her heart, bled with bitter blood at the thought of that. Something about him loving Grace Burgess made it worse than him sleeping with Lizzie Stark. It touched a part of Tess that she had thought of as dead. It was the part that, much to Tess’ hatred, loved Tommy unconditionally.

So, she had decided to visit the Garrison the Friday night when she did not have her shift. She donned her pretty dress and got out her shiny lacquered shoes and trotted down to the bar that Tommy once warned her against. That was the way it had always been, him being paranoid about somebody kidnapping her , using her against him and her listening to him.

But, those times were to be no more. Fuck Tommy, fuck what he thought about her safety. It was time for Tess to move past her concern over his opinions on her. She may have been his wife, but she was not made to be his doll. 

As soon as she walked into the bar, all eyes turned to her. Everybody was well aware of who she was. Apart from Ada, she was one of them most protected women in this city. There was an unspoken policy in Birmingham when it came to Tess Shelby. You could look but you could not touch. Because if you did, the Peaky Blinders wouldn't just cut your eyes out, they'd bring hell upon your entire family.

Tommy was not there, but John and Arthur were. So was Lizzie Stark, who avoided Tess’ eyes in shame as she clung to John’s arm. Tess’ heart hurt to see her brother-in-law be so ignorantly enamored by Lizzie but she didn't say a word. She hoped that he'd move past his affections. Otherwise, she didn't know how she would say that Tommy fucked Lizzie to John. Apart from Ada, he was the Shelby with the softest and kindest of hearts.

John and Arthur’s eyes widened at the sight of Tess in the pub. They were well aware of how protective Tommy was about her visiting pubs on her own. They shifted in their seats, their eyes frantically surveying the room. 

As for Tess, her eyes fixated on Grace. The girl was pretty that was for sure. She looked like an angel with her light hair and eyes. She wore a cream coloured blouse and a long burgundy skirt, effortlessly beautiful in such simple attire. Jealousy burned like fire inside Tess. She quelled it, telling herself that nothing would come of it. 

Meanwhile, John and Arthur were rapidly moving towards her, asking her to go into the lounge with them. Tess agreed, stepping in and sitting down, only to be followed by Grace, who looked at them expectable as if waiting for an order.

“ Get us a bottle of whiskey, Grace”, John said at the wide-eyed barmaid.

She did as she was told, scurrying off from the lounge, looking jumpy.

“What are you doing here, Tessie? You know Tom ain’t going to like it”, Arthur said as the brothers faced her.

Tess smiled bitterly, smoothing over her black silk dress, feeling the ridges of the lace with her fingertips. She took a deep breath, not wanting to blow up. She took out a cigarette that was sitting on the table and lit it, inhaling the smoke. While she did not smoke often, Tess found that it helped calm her anger.

“I don’t give a fuck about what Tommy likes. Tell him he should be thankful I ain’t fucking a man behind his back”, she replied, taking a long drag of the cigarette and tapping off the ash into the ashtray.

At that exact moment, Tommy burst into the lounge, followed by Grace, glancing nervously at Tommy. She put down the whiskey and was ready to leave but Tess wouldn’t let her go so easily.

“ You are Grace Burgess, am I right?”, Tess asked the barmaid, receiving an affirmative nod in return, “ Do you know who I am?”.

“ Theresa”, Tommy said in a warning tone, using her full name, which he did only when he was angry with her.

Tess glanced at him challengingly through the cigarette smoke. He stopped talking.

Grace started fidgeting, her hands folded in front of her, her eyes traveling anywhere across the room, catchin Tommy’s gaze and instantly looking away.

“ You’re Tess Shelby”, Grace replied in a deceivingly light tone, “ Mr. Shelby’s wife”.

Tess nodded, squashing her cigarette, her eyes roaming over Grace, making her feel even more uncomfortable. Tommy watched the exchange, staring at Tess with a strange look behind his eyes, as if he saw something new and surprising. But, he seemed to want to see the exchange, even going as far as sitting next to his brothers, pouring himself a whiskey and sitting back.

“ That’s right”, Tess said, leaning closer to look Grace in the eyes, “ Remember that the man that you are so intrigued by has a wife and children. You can fuck him all you want but remember my face when you try to steal him away from his family”.

Grace nodded but looked angry, her jaw clenching and her hands folding into fists. She gave Tommy a furious look before she ran out of the lounge, her heels clicking against the wooden boards. When she left, there was nothing but silence and cigarette smoke, blowing through with unresolved tension.

“ Quite the show you put on, Tess”, Tommy said as he puffed out smoke, his eyes seeking hers out.

She narrowed her eyes at him, glaring furiously at him across the room. She poured herself a glass of whiskey, quickly gulping it down. Tess felt like her heart was being ripped apart, slowly and agonizingly. She wanted to spit in Tommy’s face for the humiliation he put her through but  she pulled herself together and stalked towards him resolutely. Tess forced herself to be calm as she approached him.

“ I shut up and pulled through when I heard that you were seeing whores, Tommy. I didn’t say no word when you were gone for days on end. I was your good little wife who followed your orders. But, this is the ultimate humiliation Tommy, I hope you know that. Pray to God that I don’t leave you for another man for what you made me go through”, she hissed, pulling back, ready to leave, only to be caught by her elbow.

Tommy brought her closer to him, his breath blowing over her cheeks.

“There will be no talk of other men in my presence”, he gritted out furiously, his eyes blazing with anger.

Tess ripped away from his grip, huffing out deep, uneven breaths. Then, she laughed bitterly as she looked at his furious face. How worked up he got when she mentioned doing the same thing that he was doing to her. He had no idea how much it hurt to know that he was developing an interest in women apart from her. Whores were one thing, there was no love lost between them and their clients.But, this? This was so obviously a developing relationship between a man and woman.

Tess gathered herself tall, towering over him.

“I really mean nothing to you, do I?”, she asked him as she felt sadness rip through her like a bullet.

Tommy looked lost for once, flailing like a fish. He looked frantically at her, obviously not used to seeing her so sad. In the sidelines, Arthur and John looked at the scene unfolding between them with concern and sorrow.

“ You are my wife”, Tommy said, “Of course you mean something to me”.

Tess let out another bitter laugh, closing her eyes for a moment to stop the upcoming tears. It was what Tommy always said. To him, she was nothing but a wife, a promise made in fear of her brothers. She shot out of the door and then out of the pub, into the cold night air.

She began walking towards her house, her heels clicking against the stone tiles. She felt a little uneasy, walking so late in the night by herself. It only got worse as she noticed a man following behind her, obviously seriously intoxicated. She began walking faster, which only caused the man to run after her.

She turned around facing him, ready to spill out her name to make him stop. But, before she could do that, he put a hand over her mouth, causing her to thrash and struggle. He dragged her into a corner, pressing her against the wall, his touches everywhere around her body. Tess screamed and called out for help but no one was there to hear her. The man continued to touch her, his dirty hands ripping apart her dress, causing her to start crying. He shoved his mouth upon her forcibly, making Tess start hitting him, but no avail.

She began losing hope when he unzipped his pants but before he could do the worst, she heard a yell. However, before she could look over to see who it was, the man hit her head against the wall, making the whole world go black. 


	14. The Aunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Polly's POV.
> 
> For the full experience, listen to Where's My Love by SYML.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mentioned of rape and sexual assault.
> 
> Sorry that this a short chapter, will be posting a longer one in the upcoming days.

 

Polly sat well into the night with Tess while Tommy was out with the boys, probably torturing the bastard that attempted to rape her. Hours earlier, Tommy had burst in through the door with his wife in his hands, her dress ripped open, her lips and arms bruised with hand-marked shapes. Instantly, Polly figured it what had occured.

But, she stayed calm about the whole thing, changing Tess into a proper night shift that Ada had left behind and woke Tess up. She ignored the prancing Tommy who looked like he was brimming with absolute fury. Polly had always doubted whether or not Tommy truly loved his wife. Especially during the war, when not one letter from her husband arrived upon Tess’ door. But, seeing him like this, with a mix of concern and bright anger on his face, Polly saw what most didn't at the time. Perhaps, something that not even Tommy saw at the time.

“ Stop lurking around looking like a bloody mad dog if you ain't consoling your wife, Thomas”, Polly hissed as she filled up a bathtub with hot water.

Tommy took one look at Tess and he softened. But, the instant his eyes landed on her bruised lips, he shot up, once again looking red with fury. 

“I left that bastard with the boys until I could get Tess alright, Pol, but I can't look at her knowing that he lives after what he's done”, Tommy breathed out heavily.

Polly sighed, rubbing her temples.

“ Men”, she sighed, dropping the water scoop onto the table, “Always running away at the first sign of commitment. Bloody cockerels, you lot”.

Tommy looked at her with that look in his eyes, the look that Polly remembered seeing so clearly in Rosary, his mother. There was that glint in their eyes, the one that seemed to say “well, what else did you want from me?”. There was a hopelessness, a desperation to protect and achieve that drove both Tommy and his mother. It was another brand of ambition, one that went at great lengths to protect what they loved. 

It was a look that Polly couldn’t deny.

She motioned for Tommy to go as she continued to fill the tub next to the sleeping Tess, who looked like an injured angel in her white night shift and spilling hair, which she wore up more often these days. Tommy glanced painfully at his sleeping wife, his eyes filling with an emotion that Polly couldn’t identify.

But, before she could say anything, he was out the door, like a shark that smelt blood in the water. She watched him go with sadness in her heart, one that lied with her heavily since her children were taken from her. Since she considered the Shelby children like her own, it was like a gut punch to Polly to see them hurt. Arthur called her love for them tough love but what he, and the other children, never seemed to understand was that there was no other way to love them. To love something as dangerous and tough as her brother’s children required to be just as, if not more, tough.

With those heavy thoughts, Polly sat down next to Tess, stroking her hair as she analyzed the girl’s bruises. Seeing them made Polly remember the days when she was young, sitting by herself in her father’s gambling den like an innocent lamb in a den of lions. She remembered being younger than Tess, pressed against the wall by a man much bigger than Polly, his hands everywhere where she didn’t want them to be. She remembered screaming and having no one answer her. She remembered it all so vividly that she had to stop thinking of it in fears of bringing back the pain that came with these memories.

“Polly?”, Tess asked her in confusion as she blinked her eyes open, looking around, obviously lost. 

Polly dropped to her knees before her, stroking Tess’ hair, taking her into her arms as she watched realization dawn upon Tess. Polly could feel Tess reach to touch her lips and a strangled moan escaped her lips, full of pain and hurt. She began to cry, sobs wracking her frame as Polly held her. Polly clutched her tightly, her eyes shutting close as she tried to stop herself from crying. She rocked Tess in her arms as her sobs began to slowly die down, the pain laced in them becoming more and more apparent.

“Where is Tommy?”, she asked as she broke away from Polly, “What happened?”.

“ He said he found you in time before the worst could’ve happened, thank God for that. Right now, him and the boys are dealing with the issue”, Polly replied, knowing well enough that Tess was fully aware of what ‘dealing with the issue’ meant. 

The Shelbys wouldn’t hesitate to exact their revenge upon whoever associated themselves with that man. There would be no mercy. There would be no painless death. Not with the Peaky fucking Blinders.

Tess just nodded in response, darkness seeping into her eyes, thirst for revenge apparent on her face.

Polly got her bathed and tucked into the bed, sitting next to her as Tess receded into herself. Polly remembered when she first arrived, pregnant, hesitant, so shy and quiet. It was obvious from the beginning that Tommy saw something in her that others didn’t. He was so enamoured with her. But, when asked, he always denied that he loved his wife. 

At first, Polly didn’t understand what it was that he saw. Visibly, she didn’t look anything special, Polly had known that if Tommy put his mind into it, he’d himself a girl that looked twice as pretty as Tess did. Polly had seen Tess’ sisters in the wedding. They were the stars of the celebration, burning brighter than the fire itself. However, as time went on, Polly began to see the warmth that Tess possessed. She was soft and quiet and welcoming, in ways that felt like standing next to the fire of a hearth. But, as the war soon revealed, Tess was viciously strong and loyal. Never had she faltered in her loyalty to Tommy or her children. She did the job silently, no complaints, no talk of leaving. Tess and Tommy were a lot more similar to each other than Polly had originally thought. Both were quiet and underestimated, when, in fact, they had been the biggest players in the game.

To see Tess broken was like seeing a trusted sword break. It was unsettling and unusual. And just like with a sword, Polly hadn’t realised how strong Tess was until she was her broken.

So, she did her best to comfort Tess that night. She made her drink some soup and tea, talking to her about all sorts of things. She tried to ignore the painful absence of Tommy that night, cursing him with all that was unholy, knowing that even when his wife didn’t say it, she was hurt that he wasn’t there. 

“ He’ll come soon, Tess”, Polly said as she was getting her ready to sleep.

Tess shook her head, her curls flying wayward.

“ No need to lie to me, Pol. I may love him but that does not make me blind to who he is. His revenge is more important to him than I am”, she whispered back bitterly, her eyes filling with frustration and sorrow.

Polly shushed her, turning off the light as she walked out. But, deep inside, her heart hurt for Tess as well. Alone, despairing, hurt, while her husband was fighting wars that she never asked him to fight. To herself, she thought,  _ what a bloody mess this all is. _


	15. The Departed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tess regains her independence...

Tess was taught to look the other way if her husband was to cheat. Even her proud, beautiful mother told her with sad eyes that it was rare that a man would stay true to his wife. It was better not to interfere, they all said since Tess was young, let them have their fun and they'll come crawling back to you later.

Tess had hoped that after the incident in the alley, Tommy would be returning home to her. That his time having fun would be over. That all the ambitiousness that he'd been so blinded by would cease. 

Instead, it only caused him to seek more and more. The morning after he murdered that man and his affiliates, he strolled into the main Shelby house, kneeling down beside Tess as he tentatively stroked her cheek. He watched with such deep sorrow on his face, his eyes reflecting the deep longing that Tess held deep inside her heart. 

“ Are you satisfied now?”, she had asked him brokenly, knowing that he was fully aware that she wasn't just talking about the man who hurt her.

Behind those three simple words, lay a deep pain of watching Tommy drift away from her. It was the insecurity she felt as she heard whispers of him and Grace. It was the ever-growing hunger that she saw in Tommy, the endless ambition that drove him to bargain with the Devil. 

She prayed and hoped that he'd say yes. Tess imagined that if he did say so, they'd get themselves a big house by the lake. They'd raise their seven children together. They'd lead peaceful happy lives far from the smoke and trouble of Birmingham.

But, instead, all her dreams came crashing down before her eyes.

“ You know I can never be satisfied”, he choked back as his voice shook in a fashion that was so uncharacteristic to him, “ There will be many more men who will want to hurt you. To hurt Ada, Polly, John’s children, our children. There will be those seeking to take it all away from us. I can't let them”.

The mask that Tommy wore began to slip off, revealing a deeply hurt and vulnerable young man. It made Tess’ heart hurt with love as she watched him, remembering when she had been little, trying to reach for the stars and never being able to. Too far, too long, her sisters used to say. 

Tess turned away, afraid pain would be like a visible thing on her face. Tommy started moving away when she hid from him, eventually walking out the door, a sigh escaping his lips. All through the night, Tess cried, beginning to lose all hope in the salvation of her marriage to Tommy. She thought of leaving it all behind, going to the road to save her sanity. 

However, as if by fate, the following week, she felt her body becoming more and more strange. She threw up more, skipped the date of her period and even developed the sensitivity to smell that she usually got during her pregnancies. It terrified Tess to even think of it. She tried to convince herself that she couldn't be sure. That there must've been something else.

So, after the dismissal of her shift, she made her way to the midwifery clinic, asking the resident midwife there to give her a check. After a long time, the midwife hesitantly gave the verdict.

“ You are expecting a child, ma’am”, the girl said, “ Third months in”.

Tess watched, stunned, as the girl pranced on, oblivious to Tess’ horror. She felt the need to clutch her belly in fear of throwing up, her head filling with more gloom than it had in years.

It was not herself that Tess mourned for. It was her child. She could not imagine bringing a child into a family where it’s father was so obviously falling for another woman and it’s mother was so obviously despairing about it. Already, she saw Charlie, merely seven years old, beginning to understand the sorrow behind his mother's eyes.

“ Don't be sad, mama”, he'd tell as she put him into bed, “ Dada will be coming tomorrow”.

It would break Tess’ heart to knowingly bring her own child into the mess that was her marriage and Birmingham. 

Tess pondered greatly over the dilemma she faced. Like a ghost, she floated in and out of the house, hiding from Tommy when she could. She feared seeing him would only trample with her heart. After all, since marrying Tess, he was the one that commanded it. He was the one who she loved. He was the one that broke her heart.

But, Tess attempted to see the situation. She was always famed in her family as the one with the clearest of heads. She never went into a decision rashly. So, after careful consideration, she decided to talk to Tommy and tell him about the baby. Tess was resolute on not wanting to force him to stay with her when his heart lies elsewhere. 

But, as she went looking for him at the Garrison, she was shortly informed that he was on St. Anne’s Road by a very nervous looking group of men. She followed their directions faithfully, albeit nervously as well. Tess was hesitant as she called out his name in the dead of night, but it turned she didn't have to look for long.

In the shadows she saw Inspector Campbell watching a window, his face screwed up in disgust. Tess followed his gaze, seeing Grace and Tommy through the window, wrapped up in each other. Their mouths joined in a tender, loving kiss, making Tess think of the last time she'd been kissed that way. It made her feel worthless and angry, her heart beating rapidly out of her chest.

Tess ran from her hiding place, landing next to the banks of the canals, dropping to her knees as she let out the ugliest of cries. Massive sobs escaped her lips, her entire body aching. In her mouth, Tess tasted the salt of her tears, which leaked from her eyes as if from a tap. 

She sat there, next to the canals, for hours, going through what could be done. Tess knew that she'd had enough. That whatever love she had for Tommy was slowly turning out to be her strongest enemies, turning from butterflies into razors. After all, she only ever asked for emotional fidelity. She suffered through him going to Lizzy Stark’s. She shut up and went on. But, knowing that he loved another woman completely broke Tess. She wouldn't be able to look at him anymore. 

After her contemplation, Tess finally felt free. She knew what she would do and felt no bitterness towards her husband. She felt as if a stone had fallen from her chest. For once, Tess didn't feel a prisoner to her situation. 

She began to slowly set her plan into motion, at the same time as Tommy began to form his plans on Black Star Day. She dismissed their old maid, Fiona. She wrote Esme a letter with all he things that would help her settle with her new step-children. She even visited the poor girl, who was just as young when Tess got married, but with many more children to take care of. She wrote to Polly and Ada, making sure the letters would arrive after Tess completed her plan. She even made sure to write to Tommy, leaving the letter once she left.

Finally, when Black Star Day arrived, with Tommy and the Peaky boys out the door to complete their plan, Tess began gathering her things. She took her case, filling it with all the things her and her children might need and took a car to the train station. Her children wailed in confusion but Tess assured them that it'd be alright. She told that they'd all be going for a little adventure. 

When the train arrived, the steam blowing across the misty platform, Tess began to doubt herself. She thought of how she was essentially wrecking the family. She thought of how she was taking Tommy’s children away from him. But, then Tess remembered. She remembered the long nights when she had the children see their uncles more than their father. She remembered how since coming back home from the war, he might have fucked her sore all through day and night, but his lips barely ever touched hers. But, Grace, she had him. Tess could see the love between them like a strong cord shining in gold. She couldn't stand in the way of that. It would only end up hurting both Tommy and Tess.

So, just as she got onto the train, she wiped away her worries, slowly watching Birmingham disappear behind her. However, something in her heart broke as she left, despite Tess believing that there was nothing else to be broken.


	16. The Seperated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation -Kahil Gibran

Tommy was tired to his very bones as he trudged back from Grace’s house.

Betrayal burned like a hot coal in his chest and he regretted ever investing his feelings into something as foolhardy as some pretty blonde. He thought that he loved Grace for a moment, she seemed to see right through him, as if absorbing his pain and giving him he understanding he wanted. But, he had been mistaken. It was not love that he felt. In a way, it was similar to the way he felt about the whores he slept with during the war. He used them to escape the pain of his situation, in the same way that he used Grace, albeit not physically, to escape the mess that he'd created at home. There was a fondness there, an infatuation, but it was not truly love.

Grace said that she loved him, she even told him to abandon all and come with her to London. Tommy knew that he didn't love her from the moment she said that. Because everything in his body rejected the mere idea of leaving Birmingham, his children, his wife. She would leave the city, Tommy told Grace, and never show her face again or he'd order for her to be killed on sight.

He imagined that if he had loved her that things would've turned out to be different. Maybe he'd come with her. Maybe he'd abandon all, his entire family and business.

But, Tommy already knew what love felt like. It felt like warmth, spreading through his entire body, enveloping him. It felt like sunshine in his chest whenever he was near the one he loved and endless pain when he was far from her. It felt like hope, like home. It felt scary and uncertain and forever leaving him winded. Tommy was so scared to love that he nearly forgot the one he loved.

But now, with renewed hope in his heart, he whistled under his breath as he thought of Tess waiting home for him. He thought of the warm meat pies she made him, glazed with buttery eggs. He thought of swinging Charlie in his arms and kissing Tara on her hair. He wanted to do right by his family again. He wanted to hold Tess in his arms again and apologise to her. He wanted to tell her that he loved her.

During the war, when he was far from his family, just the thought of them was agonising to Tommy. There was the ever-present question of Tommy surviving the war to see them and whether or not if he did, would he be welcome to come home? He imagined Tess with other men and it drove him insane, especially in the confines of the tunnels, where every move could set the earth to collapse beneath them. He sought to forget her, to erase her from his mind so he didn't have to torture himself. 

When he came back home, he just didn't know how to feel anymore. After so many years of blocking her out, Tommy had forgotten how he had felt about her. It was so hard to look her in the eyes and know that he'd abandoned her with no news at the door. She was the reminder of every responsibility he had. He would only seek her out at night, craving her body beneath his, remembering the vivid dreams that he had during the war of touching what was now real flesh. But, even during those nights, guilt and responsibility overwhelmed him. He didn't know how to act as a family man now that the war was over.

So, he attempted to erase her again. He went to see Lizzy to satisfy his hunger for sexual pleasure and distanced himself from Tess.  _ I just need time,  _ he'd tell himself,  _ more time.  _ He found Grace, who reminded him of how easy life used to be before the war. She didn't need him to step up to be a family man. Grace was beautiful and elegant, she was a dream wrapped in skin. Tommy just lost himself in the revel that was her. 

But, in the end, that's all Grace turned out to be. A dream, a sweet lie. His Tess was no dream, she was no lie. He was the most raw, realist thing he could think of. She was strong and loyal and clever, never wavering in her love or trust. He could never, ever deserve Tess.

He walked in through the door with those thoughts following him, only to be met with absolute silence. The house was dark, not even a wind of something living here. 

“ Tess? Charlie? Tara?”, he called out, his brows furrowing, then calling for his maid,“ Fiona?”.

With staggering thoughts, Tommy realised he hadn't actually been home for two days now. And last time he was here, he didn't remember Fiona being present. 

Tommy cursed beneath his breath and shot out the door.

He ran all the way to the Shelby Company, his feet going at full speed, his heart hammering at what he thought to be true. He burst in through the door, revealing only Polly and Ada, who were sitting in their chairs while everyone was out celebrating. 

“ What is it, Tommy?”, Polly asked him as she stuck a cigarette between her teeth, “ Don't tell me that you want that betraying bitch back because you know I'll say no”.

Tommy panted, leaning in his knee.

“ Tess”, he panted out, “ Where is Tess?”.

Polly quieked an eyebrow towards him, her dark eyes narrowing. Ada shifted beside her, Karl sleeping in a stroller. She also looked suspicious as she watched her shaking brother, her blue, perceptive eyes on him.

“ How the hell would I know? Aren't your men supposed to be keeping track of he-”, Polly was about to finish until it hit her, “ Oh no, they were all out with you weren't they?”.

Polly paled, her hand going up to cover her mouth. Tommy cursed, slumping against the wooden door. Then, standing up, he kicked a chair, feeling anger coarse through him. 

“ She can't be too far gone. I'll have the men scour the city. She must be somewhere near”, Tommy wondered out loud as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Polly didn't say anything, still silent in her shock.

“ She won't be in the city”, Ada said suddenly, “ If anything, she's back with her family. The Boswells are usually in the Cornwall area this time a year”.

Tommy looked at Ada as if he's seen her for the first time. Of course Tess would be with the Boswells. He remembered seeing the piles of letters that she'd sent to her mother in hopes of at least one reaching her. Being a travelling people, the Boswells didn't often receive the letters. Tess always remarked how she missed them terribly since the war ended. Her mother and sisters came to Birmingham when Tara was born but shortly left to go back to the road.

“ Get me ticket to Cornwall”, Tommy said in a rush, feeling panic as he thought of his wife and children line on a journey, open prey to any of his enemies . 

He stood up, getting ready to leave, only for Polly and Ada to stand up as well, their eyes wary.

“ Wait, you bloody cockerel, before you charge into battle like a bull”, Polly hissed, cigarette smoke surrounding her, “ Do you even know what you're going to say to her once you see her? What of her brothers? Last time you even came close to hurting her, they beat the living daylights out of you. You have to have a plan. You just betrayed your own family by sticking your dick into whatever moved for several months and getting yourself entangled with a fucking spy. You'll need a good reason to make her come back to you, you bloody piece of shit”.

Tommy sat back down, having to agree with Polly. Tess was no fool. She wouldn't go along with him at first sign of surrender. She would want proof. 

Already, he began to plan, retreating into himself, his eyes lost to the picture of his wife by the sea with his children, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his chest. 

“ Well, it'll be one bloody show to see him trying to get Tess back now”, Ada said as she began to walk out of the shop.

“ I'll have to agree with you, Ada”, Polly remarked, “ He'll need one bloody good reason”.

With those words, the ladies left, leaving Tommy trying to figure out one bloody good reason.


	17. The Wandering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little refresher, Randy Young and Tess were engaged, set up by both their clans, for a while before Tommy got Tess pregnant. As a consequence, he gets set up to marry Tess' wayward sister, Laura.
> 
> Also, fun fact: The Boswells are actually a real prominent British-Romani family that prospered during the 20th century and in Season 4, Polly mentioned that her mother was Birdie Boswell, which was inspiration to Tess' origin. Don't worry though, there's no incest since the family is so big. It's the same with John and Esme, who marry, even though Tommy mentions that the Shelbys and the Lees are (probably) distant kin on his mother's side.

The seas were always calm this time a year in Cornwall. It was a crisp spring morning, the salt in the air permeating through their camp. They used to stop here since Tess had been a little girl. It had been her father’s favourite spot, right by the cliffs of the sea, with its’ jagged peaks piercing through the air.

It's been a week since Tess had come to see her family. She was greeted warmly by all the members of her clan, welcomed with much celebration and embraces. Her mother was now the head of the clan, since grandmother’s death, and she aged well with her dark black hair streaking through with gray. When Tess told her family of why she left Tommy, no one asked unnecessary questions. It is not uncommon for wives to leave husbands for a while and live separate lives. Being Catholics, the Boswells didn't have much support in a concept of divorce, which was unspeakable. But, they were always understanding to the concept of separation.

“ Funny”, Dahlia, her sister, remarked as Tess recounted her story, “ Tommy was never one for blondes. Couldn't take his eyes off you since we were kids”.

Tess didn't reply to that.

Instead, she focused on her family, who she hadn't seen in years. It broke her heart not to see Emory, who had perished in the war, but she was overjoyed to see Zachary and Terrance with a bundle of children. Her sister Esmeralda was living with her husband’s family, the Waters, up all the way in Ireland. Dahlia was with the Boswells, widowed  from the war with a daughter who hid behind her skirts. As for Laura, she had perished during childbirth giving birth to Randy Young’s third. He was around the encampment, although Tess didn't like to look at him or her dead sister’s children.

Tess was slowly getting used to the pace of life here in the encampment.

In the morning, when the sun was barely rising, she'd get up from her vardo and take a horse out into he clearing. She'd ride for an hour or so, just clearing her mind. She always thought better around animals, especially horses, who she greatly missed since coming to the city. After her ride, she'd wake the children and go take morning meals with every member of the Boswell clan present at the table. After that, she'd send the children to her younger cousins and go work around the camp, either milking the cows or cooking the upcoming lunch. Sometimes, her and her sister Dahlia would go picking sweet berries in the forest nearby. Other days, she'd just laze around all day, watching the sun sink underneath green hills.

On one of those lazy days, Randy Young approached her as she sat on the edge of the forest on a haystack, the sun warming her skin. He appeared suddenly, his big, burly form looming over her. Randy was a handsome man, Tess had always known that, albeit a little too big. His hair was a rusty red color, his eyes a periwinkle blue. He was kind and gentle, like one of those gentle giants her grandmother used to tell Tess tales about.

“ Theresa”, he greeted her, startling her.

He was one of the only ones that had called Tess by her real name. He did it as a gesture of respect, although it never failed to make Tess think that he was calling for somebody else.

“ Randy”, she answered back, sitting up properly.

Randy watched her with a bit of wonder in his eyes, thinking of how Tess didn't look like she'd aged one but since these seven years. He had always liked her, often giving her plucked flowers and giving her shy kisses on her cheeks.

“ What happened between you and Tommy?”, he asked her, his brows furrowing.

Tess plucked a daisy from the grass, twirling it in her hand, her eyes lowering. She didn't speak for a little while, watching as Randy sat down next to her.

“ Tommy loves another woman and I am pregnant. I didn't want to subject my own flesh and blood to being in a broken family. There will be no repair there”, Tess replied sadly.

Randy watched her with perceptive eyes, his gaze sorrowful. He took Tess’ hand in his but she pulled away, startled.

“ Since Laura died, I struggle to take care of the children. They need a mother. You and I… we were meant to be since the beginning. Maybe this is God’s way to tell us that we have both strayed from our paths and that its time for us to come together again”, Randy told her, his hand taking hold of hers again.

Tess tensed, trying to pull her hand away from his grip. She thought he was talking absolute nonsense.  _ Perhaps grief of losing my sister made him say these strange things,  _ she thought.

“ Randy, you aren't making sense. I'm still married to Tommy. I can't… can’t just go on and be with you”, she managed with a shaking voice.

“ I know a man in the Parrish who can arrange you an annulment. He'll get us married in a week. I'll raise your children as my own, offer you protection. The Youngs have been gaining more coin, we can afford to get us a house in the countryside”, he said fervently, then taking both her hands into his, bringing her closer to him, “ I will love you, Tess, love you like Tommy has never loved you”.

“ No, Randy, I canno-”, Tess began, only to be interrupted by Randy being pulled away and punched in the face by a very angry looking Tommy.

After he was done beating Randy, he looked up at Tess, blood on his face. Jealousy burned bright on his face, making him look red and furious.

“ One week I'm gone and you're already getting proposals”, Tommy breathed out as he spat out blood on the floor, “ Looks like I can never let you out of my sight”.

Tess froze in shock.


	18. The Spat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Tess fight...

“ Why in the bloody hell did you do that for?”, Tess screamed at Tommy, who was standing over an unconscious Randy.

After not seeing her for more than a week, it was as if Tommy had forgotten what Tess looked like. He remembered first seeing her, demure, shy, but strangely magnetic. Her curls, which she always half up and half down, spilled down her back, longer than ever. It was fashionable to cut hair short for ladies these days but Tommy found that he preferred Tess’ long, luscious hair. Her eyes were the color of dark earth, blazing with fire. The constellations of freckles that he traced by hand had gotten more numerous since he's last seen her, peppering her face.

It made Tommy’s blood boil to see Randy touch his wife. He was never really there jealous type, since he understood well enough that his wife was not kind to be infidele. But, Randy was another case. Knowing that once upon a time, it could've been Randy that Tess married made Tommy more possessive than ever.

“ He fucking proposed to my bloody wife! I hit men for lesser things than that!”, Tommy shouted, fury convulsing through him.

“ You know I wouldn't have said yes”, Tess countered, her eyes narrowing. 

Tommy tensed, wiping the blood away from his face. He had been hit by Zachary earlier, after he saw Tommy around the encampment. Tommy was not surprised, he expected it. A full fledged fight didn't erupt, however, thanks to the efforts of his Aunt, who calmed the Boswells down. It all had been part of the plan that Tommy prepared for the whole week before he drove off to Cornwall with his family.

Already fresh out of a scuffle, seeing Randy and Tess together sent Tommy’s nerves off the chart. 

“ But, I don't really know that, do I?”, Tommy asked her viciously, “ You up and left me with our children, Tess. I don't know what to expect of you anymore”.

Tess looked hurt for a moment making Tommy regret what he said. He never came here to fight with her but already, that seemed to be failing.

“ Well you up and got yourself a bloody mistress, Tommy”, Tess bit back, “ I saw you and Grace through the window, I saw how you kissed her, the way you've never kissed me”.

Tommy felt his heart drop when he heard that Tess saw him and Grace but instantly, in desperation to make her feel what he did, he cornered her to a tree and planted his lips on hers. He kissed her softly, tenderly, at first, which slowly escalated in its’ passion, causing Tess to let out a gasp into his lips. Tommy didn't want the kiss to end, pulling her closer to him, feeling as if he had gotten a taste of paradise.

But, instead, Tess pushed him away, slapping him.

Tommy pulled back startlingly, staring wide-eyed at Tess.

“ Whatever was that for?”, he yelled, rubbing his aching cheek.

Tess fumed.

“ You think you can get me to forget what you did with a few kisses, Tommy? Don't act as if I am a fool. You love Grace”, she spat, “ I don't know why you are here but it's high time for you to leave me and my family alone”.

Tommy stilled, not expecting such harsh words from Tess. He had forgotten how fierce she was over the years. He had forgotten how, when they were both very young, she protected little Terrance, her brother, from their elder cousins who teased him to no end. She stood proud and tall against their malicious eyes, making Tommy admire her more than he admired anyone in that encampment.

“ I don't love Grace”, he said calmly, his eyes fixated on his wife, “ She worked for the Crown and she betrayed me. I came here because I want my family back, because I love you”.

Tess’ breath hitched and she softened, her shoulders dropping their proud gait, her mouth softening. She looked so hurt and vulnerable, just as she did often these past few months.

“ You lie. You say that only because Grace betrayed you now”, she choked out, emotion thick in her voice.

Tommy shook his head.

“ I never told you this because I never knew it for myself. Not truly”, he said, “ I loved you since we were both little children. When I found out that you'd be marrying Randy Young, I couldn't help but feel possessive and jealous. I've always wanted to you to my own. When I found out you were pregnant, I never hesitated to marry you, not because your brothers were threatening me. I lost my way during the war, that's true. But, my love never wavered. I want our family back together again”.

Tess stayed silent for what seemed like an eternity. She watched the trees behind Tommy with a lost expression on her face, her eyes with a fairway look in them. She looked like those illustrations of wild faeries in the forest, frolicking about, leading strangers into wild dances. Tess donned no angel mask like Grace did. Tommy had always known she was wild and clever, kind and loyal. He saw who Tess truly was right from the start.

“ I am pregnant again, Tommy”, she said in a soft voice, “ I left because I wanted my child to grow up in a place of kindness and not of betrayal. I cannot risk to give you my love and loyalty when you've betrayed me so many times. You must prove yourself to be true”. 

Tommy raised a brow.

“ How would you have me do that?”, he asked her.

Tess shrugged, beginning to walk away from him, her curls swaying behind her.

“ You figure it out for yourself”, she said as if through a smile.

Tommy cursed, dropping on a stone. Fucking great. Whatever courting he skipped before marrying Tess would have to be made up for twice more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you like the way this is unfolding. You see, I was presented with a great challenge of trying to keep Tommy's character and make him apologise. It was not easy. Tommy is not a soft kind of man. So, if you expected a grand apology with a huge surprise, just know that it's not the kind of man Tommy is.


	19. The Water and the Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The water listens and understands but the ice does not forgive -Leigh Bardugo
> 
> (for full experience listen to Jealous by Labrinth during the second part)

Tommy had forgotten the one that he married. He forgot who Tess was. She was not some pretty, little stupid thing that would go along with every word he said. She was Theresa Boswell. The granddaughter of the Old Mae, the daughter of Thalia. She was no meek thing.

In a way, Tess had forgotten who she was as well.

She was driven to stay loyal to him that she'd lost her own sense of identity. She became Tommy Shelby’s wife, Charlie and Tara’s mother. She was his good wife that stayed at home, receiving pitiful looks on the street.

She had been so foolish and young and desperate when she married Tommy. But, she was not anymore. She could live a life on her own, forever a widow for a man that was still alive.

Tess tried to prove it to Tommy in the following weeks that the Shelbys travelled with the Boswells. She avoided him and despite it angering him, she spoke civilly to Randy, asking him for forgiveness for her husband hitting him. Her and Randy talked and they thought it be best that he marry Dahlia, who was a widow with children of her own to take care of. He agreed, saying that he'd been delirious to go after Tess in desperation. 

Tommy fumed in the background as she talked to her former fiancé but Tess pretended that she didn't notice. She went on with life with a straight back and a calm facade, finding peace in the small things as they travelled through the country. She helped out the stable boys with the horses sometimes, other times she washed the dishes and on some occasions, she'd help Terrance skin the prey that he'd killed during hunting. 

Her, Esme and Polly often had tea with her mother and Dahlia, who regained her colours since Randy proposed to her. They all seemed very civil and jovial in their simple talk, making Tess feel content and warm. But, Esme was the most ecstatic to be out in the wilderness, her eyes alight whenever she was horseback riding. Tess smiled as she saw her new sister adjust so well into the marriage with John. At least, she told herself, that would be one marriage she could save. 

Tess even talked to John and Arthur, who also enjoyed the slow flow of life down on the road. Their smiled were big and lazy, their embraces warm as they told her of how they worried when she left. Tess always smiled fondly back at them, ruffling their hair and fixing their ruffled shirts.

Tommy began to slowly try to regain Tess’ trust, which she first vehemently rejected.

When he found out she had terrible morning sickness, she found medicine in front of her vardo in the morning, signed with a T. He’d bring her flowers each day, which she would take then throw away in front of him. It made him sulky for the rest of the day so graciously, Tess slowly began to accept without saying anything. He did not write poems of forgiveness or sing praise to her but his eyes followed Tess wherever she went as if she held the light of the universe. When she decided to sing songs by the fire with Esme and Dahlia, he looked at her with such longing in his eyes that Tess feared that he got tears in his eyes.

Everyone could see that Tommy was overcome with longing for his wife but Tess remained stubborn in her rebuffal. She knew that it was mean of her but she wanted him to feel the taste of his medicine, that angry she was at him. Two weeks passed since he first came but Tess still wouldn’t yield. She still could barely work past her own feelings, even less with Tommy’s. She was not ready to confront him yet and in truth, she didn't know when that day would come.

But one day, obviously fed up from it, Tommy got her behind the caravan, catching her while she carried freshly picked flowers to her mother. He caught her by her wrists and pressed her against one of the vardos, making the basket of flowers fall on the ground. Tess stepped on his shoes with her small heel, making him jump back.

“ What the fuck are you doing?”, Tess spat out, glaring at him.

Tommy stood up to his full height, looking exasperated and tired. He ruffled his hair, huffing out a breath as he lit a cigarette. Tess plucked the cigarette out of his mouth and extinguished it against the ground, watching his jaw go slack with outrage.

“Enough smoking, you fucking steam-train”, Tess said, “Now, speak, what do you want?”.

Tommy levelled his gaze with hers.

“I need you to stop avoiding me”, he said almost hesitantly, his eyes lowering, then quietly he said “You need me”.

Tess scoffed, ready to leave, outraged by his persistent need to always be right. She was leaving, only to be caught by her elbow by a very frustrated Tommy, his eyes ablaze with craze. 

“Alright! Alright!”, he gave in, raising his hands, “You don’t fucking need me, you’ve proven that alright? But,  _ I  _ need you. I need you more than anything. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think, for God’s fucking sake! I need you! So please come back to me!”.

Tommy’s voice began to progressively raise, becoming thick in emotion, his hands shaking as he clutched his hair. His outfits weren’t as crisp as they used to be, he looked unkempt, a little wild and destabilized. Tess felt a little bit of pity seep through the hard walls around her heart.

“ Then why did you betray me?”, she asked him softly, dropping her hard act, putting on a calm face, her voice level, “Why did you seek all these other women when you had me, the one that you say you need so much?”.

“I was lost. I… You… I did not deserve to be with you after I came back from the war. To be completely honest, I didn’t deserve to be married to you right from the start. You are so good at all this, at managing having a family, but I am sick…. I am ruined since the war”, Tommy choked out, letting out ironic laugh, tears brimming in his eyes, “ I am a wretched man that realised too late that I can’t live without you. That… that I love you”. 

Tess’ heart broke watching him but she remained resolute, standing stoically over him, only her eyes revealing any emotion she had. Tess was so afraid, so terrified that she’d be broken again. That Tommy would go back to his old ways.

She could only think of one thing she could do to save whatever marriage that they would have. And Tess knew that whatever that thing would be, it would have to be far from Tommy. To make sense of her feelings, to make sense of  _ who  _ Tess was. She needed to find out who she was removed from her identity as Tommy’s wife. She needed to find herself.

“ Maybe you’ll be lost again. You’ll leave me again and then I’ll have to pick up the pieces that you left me with all over again. I don’t want to live that kind of life again, Tommy. I need time, I need to figure things out on my own”, Tess breathed out, her breath hitching, her eyes suddenly filling with tears of her own, “I need time, Tom, I can’t forgive you just like that. I can’t live like that again”.

Tommy nodded, a sad smile on his face, looking completely destroyed. Tess took his hand in hers, bringing it close to her chest, where her heart lay. Tears fell down her cheeks, heart tearing apart from doing this to the man she loved.

“After I figure it all out, I’ll send you a letter. I’ll let you know. If you still want me as I am, Tommy, if you don’t change your mind, we will be all together again. You, me, Charlie, Tara and the new baby”, Tess continued, rubbing her belly.

Tommy seems to understand as he looked at her, seeing the pain reflected in her face, feeling the warmth of her skin through their hands. Tess didn't need to tell him that she loved him. It was always obvious, just as the sky was blue and fire was warm, Tess loved Tommy.

“ I'll always want you as you are, Tess”, Tommy rasps, stroking her hand with his thumb, “ And I will wait. I'll wait for you if that's what you want, love”.

As the hills swallowed up the bright orange sun and the clouds gathered to form a storm, Tess prayed that he would. 

_ He’ll wait,  _ she told herself,  _ he’ll wait if he loves me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your support! Truly, all of your comments are what makes my day. Please do tell me of what think about the direction the story is moving towards. Oh and also I hope you know writing this chapter as super emotionally taxing, it was just so angst...
> 
> P.S: Don't forget to leave kudos, those are greatly appreciated as well!


	20. The Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We sleep until we fall in love, we are children of dust, but you fall in love and you are God, you are pure, as if on the first day of Creation  
> -Lev Tolstoy
> 
> (for full experience listen to I Found by Amber Run)

 

_ Dear Tess, _

 

_ I am not a man of many words. But, thoughts have been them collecting in my mind, gathering together like a well catching rainwater and I’ve understood a few things. I don’t know when you will get this, but I am writing to you two months since I left Cornwall. These past two months were one of the worst ones in my life, if not accounting for those spent tunnelling through France.  _

_ I miss you. I miss our children, so much so that I have to lay down in their little beds sometimes, inhaling the smell that is soon vanishing. I miss swinging Charlie in my hands, I miss kissing Tara’s little cheeks. I did not think I could love someone as much as I love them. As I love you.  _

_ I miss the smell of the kitchen when you cook meat pies for Christmas. I miss coming back to a house alight with life. I miss reading that silly little book about a rabbit that Tara had been obsessed with for a few months, the one she wouldn’t stop asking for each night. I miss seeing you smile, you smiled so rarely before you left and I keep regretting the fact that I did not notice. _

_ Regret is a feeling that often follows me like a shadow. I regret ever going to your vardo that night, when you held that liquor tightly in your hands. We were so young then, Tess, so fucking stupid too. I did not quite realise how young we were until later, until now. Were I in the same situation today, Tess, I would come kneeling to your mother’s door, begging her to let me marry you. That’s what I should’ve done, I should’ve taken you to see the pictures, I should’ve given you flowers, the ones you like, forget-me-nots.  _

_ I had loved you for such a long time without realising, Tess, that there is no point in trying to figure out when it all started. Perhaps it was when I was seventeen and I got sick during one of our explorations and you were the only one who volunteered to take me back to the caravan. I remember seeing your hair light up in gold in front of the fire and thinking that I’d met an angel. I remember how the whole encampment used to be abuzz about how I fancied your sister, Esmeralda, because John caught me staring at you and your sisters. Esmeralda would try to be cheeky with me until the next year’s fair but you must know Tess, that I was looking at you. I was always looking at you.  _

_ Had I done the right thing, who knows where it would’ve led us? _

_ I keep thinking that had I not come to you that night and put a child into you, that you would not love me. That you’d be happy with Randy Young, raising his ginger children. Perhaps that would’ve been better. God knows that Randy probably deserves you more than I do. I never deserved you, not really. I want things that I cannot have, Tess, and raise hell to get them. Greed and ambition gnaw at me like dogs gnawing on bones. It is forever in the back of my mind. I want it all, Tess, I want it all for us and heavens know I am not afraid to step on heads for it. _

_ Never think that I was with other women because you were lacking. It was I who was lacking. Courage, responsibility, kindness, whatever else there is. The war had blurred many lines between what was good and bad and I became a monster, Tess. I look into the mirror sometimes and I do not recognise myself. The man who I was before the war is no longer the man I am now. At least, not in the ways that really matter.  _

_ Think carefully, Tess, think for as long as you need to, be it months or years, if this is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Because, know that if you come back to me, I will never, ever let you go.  _

 

_ Sincerely yours, _

 

_ Thomas Shelby. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the formatting change doesn't trip you out. Also, side note, the reason Tommy and Tess knew each other so well as children is because Tommy's grandmother was a Boswell and they are known for hosting the Appleby Horse Fair for gypsies so they would have spent a lot of time together as children, even outside of the fair.


	21. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peaches in the summertime, apples in the fall, if I can't have the one I love I don't want none at all  
> \- Common saying
> 
> (for full experience listen to Wonderful Life by Smiths and Burrows)

Winter began to thaw, revealing the greenery of spring, bringing softer breezes through the country. In Liverpool, there was a little more chill than down in the South, where Boswells dwelled earlier. But, along the road, they saw little green sprouts peeking out of the gray earth, bringing a little liveliness to everyone’s mood.

Tess fed her baby, holding up his little head to her breast, staring into his big, brown eyes. Henry was much like Tess in his dark colouring but had Tommy’s almost delicate features, she could see it clearly in his cheeks and eyebrows. She sighed as she watched the countryside from their vardo, her heart swelling at the sight of never ending land that stretched beyond the horizon. The air was fresh and Tess could see Charlie and Tara running around with other children of the caravan with little giggles following behind. Tess closed her eyes, feeling the breeze stroke her hair.

It’s been a long year without Tommy. She grieved for a long time without him, feeling as if a knife had been slashed through her chest. The letter he sent made her want to go running into his arms, even taking an entire week worth of her mother’s persuasion to make her stay. 

“You cannot go running go back to him each time he gives you a shred of affection”, her mother said solemnly, “Love is more than that. Love is patience. It’s strength. Build your own strength before you give it all away to someone else, my child”.

So, Tess stayed. She healed. She remembered what it was like before she married Tommy, before she fell in love with him the consequent year. She took long rides on her horse, Chavo, in the little hours of the morning, watching the sunrise bleed over the green hills. She helped women in her caravan with giving birth and even found that midwifery might have been her secret calling. Life began to regain colours and Tess would sometimes stop and marvel at the little moments shared with her family. It might have been as little as the sun peeking out from the clouds or another wedding full of festivities with honey roasted duck and home-brewed beer. 

Suddenly, Tess began to feel more calmer, more secure with her own identity. She was a mother and a wife but first and foremost, she was Tess, the girl who would jump into ice cold lakes and hide when there were too many people. Tess was a gypsy, she was a nurse and a midwife, she was passionate, she was shy, she was lively and sad. 

She was so much more than Tommy and her connection to him and yet…

Tess stroked the letter that Polly sent her just yesterday, in it, contained a long account on how Tommy was doing. By Polly’s words, he was just fine, if not for an excessive intake of whiskey and gin, but that was always a given. In private, though, as Polly disclosed, he was not faring so well. He was lonely and often stared at his children’s portraits, asking Polly for more news about Henry. The picture of Henry that Tess sent over the mail when he was first born sat proudly upon Tommy’s desk. Polly said that once she saw the hint of tears in his eyes when he looked at it for too long. He was not infidile, was not even remotely interested in women these days. At some point, when John was caught cheating by Esme after a wild weekend in a nearby pub, Tommy was the one that put the sense into John’s head, causing the younger Shelby brother to go begging upon his wife’s door.

But, what most stood out to Tess in that letter was the post-scriptum note at the end of the letter, comprised of just one sentence. 

_ He’s waiting for you. _

It was all the confirmation that Tess needed. She packed her bags and sent a short letter to Tommy, her first one since last year, when he left the caravan to give her space. In it, just as he once did, she sent a short note with a notification of her arrival. Nothing fancy or full of passion and love. There was not much to say apart from that.

Tess knew very well that she could live without Tommy. Maybe she could’ve even lived better without him. But, the thing was that she did not want to. Tommy might have been a flawed, greedy, selfish man with a penchant to manipulation, but it didn't change the fact that she loved him. She was not blinded by that love now and did not consider him to be the center of her entire world. Tess did not seek to remedy him or change him. She was fine with who he was. She loved who he was.

Their story was not one for the books, it did not speak of great passion and the power of healing that love provided. Tess didn’t heal Tommy. He would forever be broken, as would Arthur, as would John. But, Tess learned to see Tommy as he was. Not the best of men, definitely not the best of husbands. But, he was the an that at the end of the day, the man of Tess’ choosing.

On the train to Birmingham, Tess was not doubtful or afraid like she used to be each time she made a rash move. She knew what she was doing. She was no longer the little girl with too large of a responsibility. Tess was a woman grown, tossed by war and love, shredded to pieces, risen out of the ashes. She was not scared to love anymore. 

When the train stopped and all the steam began to fade away, Tess, amidst the smoke, saw Tommy, standing by a column, staring straight at her. She looked back, not moving for a while, feeling something akin to complete serenity. Looking at him felt like being wrapped in the arms of the ocean. There was no rush to scream out her love to him. There was no immediate lust and want for flesh. It just felt like the conjoining of two souls. It felt like harmony and balance.

When Tess descended down from the train, little Henry in her arms, Tommy first hugged Charlie and Tara closely to himself, burying his head in their little shoulders. Then, he picked Henry up from Tess’ arms, holding him up to take a good look at him, a laugh escaped his lips once their little boy smiled.

“My boy”, he cooed at a giggling Henry in his arms, “Here you are now. I thought that I’d lost you”.

Tess watched their exchange with a wide smile on her face, feeling as if her family was reunited once again, peace coming down upon her. Tommy came up to Tess last and he gave her a tender kiss, more tender than the one that Tess once remembered him giving to Grace. He looked so happy that Tess couldn’t help but feel infected.

“You’re back”, he exhaled, a small smile on his face.

“I’m back”, she replied, smiling back at him, knowing that not much else needed to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Chavo means boy in Romani  
> Please leave kudos and comment (I really appreciate your comments!).


	22. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said: pain and sorrow  
> He said: stay with it, the wound is the place where the light enters you -Rumi
> 
> (for the full experience listen to Duck Shoot by Rupert Gregson Williams (OST The Crown) and On The Nature Of Daylight by Max Richter)

This was not a story about Tess and Tommy.

It was never about their love, their marriage, their children, it was not at all about them. They were just a small part of the Shelby family saga, even if they were at the heart of it all. In the end, they would end being just a memory in their children’s minds, a record in the papers. It was about a story about family. About endurance. About love.

The Shelbys would continue to terrorize the entire country, using wicked ways to get everything they wanted. They would murder all kinds of people, leaving weeping children and widows behind them. They’d take from both the rich and poor, as long as the end result meant more money, more power. More, more and more. Tess didn’t change that, neither did Ada, Martha, Esme or Linda. The children didn’t change that. Whatever wicked thing lived in the blood of the Shelbys would live there forever. The greed in their bones would stay there forever.

But, that all didn’t matter. The business, the money, none of it mattered. What mattered was the family,  _ familia,  _ as the gypsies called it. What mattered that they stayed together. And stay together, they did, even if there were times when they thought that they’d fall apart.

At first, things went well. Tommy got Arrow House and they settled in their huge estate, sharing their newfound riches with the rest of the family. Both London and Birmingham, if not the entire country, trembled before them. It was their Golden Age. Tess opened a new children’s hospital, Polly and Michael grew closer and Arthur found himself Linda, who although everyone hated, Tess found to be tolerable. As for Tommy and Tess, they were as happy as a married couple could be, with all the tender love, fights and compromises that went with it. Tess struggled with Tommy’s haze as he got more power, as if she could could see the Devil lurking in his soul. She recognised the monster that he so often described and knew that if she did nothing, all he built would be destroyed.

So, after John cut up Angel Changretta,Tess saw the danger in an enraged Vicente Changretta when no one really understood its’ potential, especially Tommy, who was getting more arrogant with each day. Tess knew that Polly would not get much result from poking at John to apologize or ‘compromise’, so she did what most women did to achieve things. She talked. Not to John, of course. She knew that the stubborn man wouldn’t listen to a word she said. Instead, she approached Esme, who John listened to with great attention. Esme saw him through the apology, even if took hours to get him to do it. And so, Tess was able to prevent the conflict that she, like Polly, knew would only backfire on the family.

Tess did a lot of behind the scenes work like that. She leaned Esme off the cocaine, drained all of the bottles that Arthur had in his house in crates and even helped Finn with his schoolwork when Polly was too busy dealing with Michael. Tess did not speak during the family meetings, but she, like Esme, quietly sat in the corner, soaking in every word, thinking. She did as Tommy did and worked for the family in secret, albeit with a little less greed and bloodthirst.

But, in truth, she didn’t even need to attend the family meetings. Tommy told her all she needed to know before they went to bed, consulting with her on all kinds of things. When he told of her of the business with the Russians, she didn’t like it from the beginning, begging him to back out. But, as Tess knew well by now, Tommy would not back out while he was in the grips of a huge undertaking. He was good at that, making deals with the Devil and managing to sneak out the last minute. But, the odds were too high. Tess hadn't realised how high they were until Tommy got his concussion. Tess sat by his bedside, the loyal wife she was, taking care of him, cursing him for getting himself into danger with tears in her eyes. It could've gotten much worse had Tess not caught the woman attempting to steal their youngest, Henry.

In the end, they barely left unscathed.

The incident with their son made Tommy more aware and less reckless with who made business with. He finally began to settle as he continued to build his empire. As did the whole family, with each of the brothers getting their own house. Life was beginning to slow its’ pace and when Tommy was not working, he usually spent time with Tess and their three children. Life became idyllic, more brighter and beautiful than it had ever been.

Tess would’ve never guessed that as a young pregnant girl, this was where she’d end with Tommy. She now manned several children’s hospitals across the country now and Tommy owned rows of factories with his brothers, set to become the country’s largest family business empire. Of course, there was criminal activity there on occasion, but it was less frequent these days with all three brothers becoming more settled in. There was Michael, of course, who had the ambition characteristic to Tommy. Tess still worried him but she lay off her worries for Polly, who continued to watch Michael like a hawk.

Instead, Tess spent her days in peace at Arrow House, their new home, tending for the children and doing the paperwork concerning the hospitals. She would tire herself to the point of near collapse, going in and out of hospitals, signing checks and visiting the children to make sure everything was running smooth. But, at the end of the day, no matter how busy she was, Tess would always make time to having some tea with Tommy once he returned, both of them just sitting by the fire, exchanging news. When they were both tired and in need of some air, they’d travel up to Scotland, to the estate that Tommy bought for them to use. They called it Rosary House, after Tommy’s mother, and spent most of their Christmases there with the whole family. 

At the end of the day, nothing was perfect. They would make continue making mistakes in their lifetime. They’d heal and they’d hurt, they’d kill and they’d bury. There would be wars fought, countries destroyed and new ones emerged. Nothing would be the same at the end, not their King or their country.

Except not really.

Somethings would be the same in the end.

As Tess looked Tommy in the eyes, old and gray with age as she was, and felt that rush of air when she first met him as a young girl, she knew some things would always be the same in the end. They would remain the same through pain of betrayal and the wearing of the time. They would remain so forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is the end, you guys. I am so, so grateful for all of you that have continually supported me and left comments. This story means so much to me and to finish it was so difficult for me. But, please, let me know how you felt and if you ever need some more of my writing, just check out the other stories I have. Know that I won't be gone forever and I'l be posting some more stories.
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything.


End file.
